subPensive

God's testimony in my life

2011-10-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

Our stay at Freshfields taichung is coming to an end. These 5 days here have been most refreshing and inspiring. Thank God for blessing us with the opportunity for rest n reflection, to have the time and energy to reflect on life and his Word. Thank God also for GoodTV, which has accompanied us daily, being a source of inspiration n encouragement. It's almost like attending a church camp :-)

Am still in the midist of writing for the church bullettin, but no inspiration from God yet. Rather, I thank God for walking me thru my blog again after so long, to look back at His work in my life. Once again, i am so amazed by His consistant prssence thru out my life. Situations change, my character/attitudes change, but God is never changing. Thank God for His blessings and encouragement, to have the courage to move on with life.

Much challenges lie ahead. Army life, getting married and marriage life, career path, ministry commitments...there's just so much qns marks ahead of me. I'm excited, but also scared...would I be able to make the wise decisions? would I have the discipline and will not to fall into temptation? Would i still be able to be a good Christian doctor/husband/son/friend? Would I stil be a Christian?

The future is indeed uncertain. Yet i have faith in our never changing Father. He has proven he is alive, through His hand in my life, and the lives of many others.

I can face tmr...because He lives!!!

Pause

2011-10-20T00:06:00.007+08:00

Am on a trip with dagu/ergu/nainai...and trips with them mean only one thing --- relax!!!

we are the most atypical tourist. We dont visit the usual touristy places (its ok if dont see the taj mahal if we went to india...but then again, we wont go india), dont do the usual touristy things or stay in the touristy places. Our agenda is simple: convenient, hassel free, non-rushed, no fixed itinary, easy to travel (wif wheelchair) that is less than 6h flight from Singapore.

What does this spell? A truly relaxing holiday. And that's what we have been doinb the past few days in taichung.

To some, it may sound boring and a waste of money. But to us, that's what a holiday sld be :) spending time aw***

And by God's guidance and grace, I prayed that this trip would not be wasted, like some of the previous other ones, but God wld help me spend time with Him and to be refreshed in spirit again. Praise the Lord, for that was exactly what He had blessed me with...not without some awakening.

Day one at taichung, and we were blessed to find goodTV, a local Christian channel. And the sermon by Dr Charles Standley spoke right to my heart, as the Spirit hit the rigt nerve --- Discipline.

Indeed, my life had been in such a mess. I have just too many commitments, some immediate appt, others preperatory stuff that needs to be done. Life is too busy, plus the change in work attitude...my life is almost devoid of spiritual refreshing, devoid of God. Everyday is but another day that passes by, nothing special, nothing new, no meaning. Strugles are forgotten, lessons are missed and mistakes are re made. Living for the moment ya.

But that is not the life God wld want us to live. He came to give us meaningful life, He is the meaning to our lives. But how can i receive such a life if i live being carried in the wind, following where it goes, without a clear direction, yet blown in every diection?

Indeed, i need disciple, a commitment to God in various aspects of my life. Many small, seemingly insignificant areas that i really need to start working on. Rest, time, money, tongue...need to start commiting them to God. One advice that Dr Standley shared was saying NO by the power of the Spirit. Yeah, often find myself trapped in saying yes to too many things. Yes to more commitments, yes to facebooking for another 1 min, yes to going out fpr dinners when dinner is wating for me at home, yes to setting another plug when mydear is waitting for me. I need to learn to let my yes be yes and no be no.

It aint going to be easy, and i suspect the Lord will make use of army to shape me up. What aan encouragement that is!!! Oh thank God for being such a loving father who disciplines His children.

Father Lord, thank u somuch for these few days of reflection and prayer. Lord, i know the challenges ahead are tough, but I ask for ur wisdom and stregthem to overcome. Please guide my every step, make my heart sensitive to ur every warning and grant me the will to say no in ur name! Amen!

***ay from the hustle of life (and not having more schedules to catch), to do things we dont get to do back home, spend time with each other, and also with God.

Amen to that

Post Boracay thoughts

2011-08-24T17:55:00.005+08:00

Woke up puking the first night home...knew I'm in for a bad GE. Spiked fever, barely even able to walk to the clinic (thank God for Andrew). Suffered a day or 2...But it was a blessing in disguise.

Had extra time to sort things out, the other many things in my life that I had nicely chucked away under the pressure of work. Spent time looking through facebook, seeing how all my old friends are...some I almost could not recognise after the many years since we met. Ah, such friendship...and such a pity to have moved on without them. As life goes on, we make new friends...but does that mean we leave our old ones behind? Yet we all have only so many hours a day, how can we keep up with all our friends?

Boracay was beautiful!!!! And we can only thank God and praise Him in view His glory. The clear blue sky, crystal clear water and white sandy beaches. I almost could not believe the photos I took. They were so beautiful it looks almost artificial :) But God brought us physically there, to enjoy such wonder, to bless us with great sun and beautiful weather, and openned our eyes to witness His creation. To creation, the bible has it "And He saw that it was good"...AMEN!!!!

But above the beauty of nature, God has blessed me especially, with dear friends, brothers and sisters in Christ. This trip, through Sam, Jon and Dawn, God has taught me so much and openned my eyes to see the flith inside me, the dirtiness which I have been blinded to or chosen not to acknowledge. Indeed, true friends point out your darkest mistakes hoping that u become someone better, and I praise God for blessing me with such friends.

Some lessons
1. As much as I have always advocate critising one's motivation, I realised just how little I qns my own motivation in doing things. Like bargining, realised how petty I can be to try and under cut others for the fun of it. Need to learn to respect others for the goods they provide, recognising that this is their means of living. Eg One gave above the bargined price cos he felt that the handmade goods were worth paying for, though I emphasised that the cost price is probably much lesser.

2. Had lost my passion and sensitivity for envangelism/bible reading/regular devotion until this trip, when I witnessed once again just how being deeply rooted in the word produces the fruits of the Spirit...and yea, my tree was definitely dying. Thank God for the reminder and for reigniting the passion and discipline (thru worry for my own Spiritual well-being and urgency before it is too late I must say). Need to start reading again...no more excuses!!!

Need to be more sensitive to opportunities to share. Realised just how many chances to share the gospel had slipped pass me and also just how bad a testimony I have been. Hyporite!!!! Oh God, humble me and shape my heart to be like yours, to be eager to be a blessing and direct others to you!

Need to be more prayerful...spontaneous prayer. For God hears!!! Better to pray NOW then say I'll pray later and forget all about it.

3. Not everything in life can be explained. Not every explaination fits every situation. We are all different, from different culture/background/situation...and thus being diverse, we cannot assume that everyone, every situation is the same. But nonetheless, our God never changes! He is the same yesterday, today, everyday! And thus it is important to hold on the His principles and work things out from there.

What a trip, of physical resting and Spiritual revival. Praise the Lord!!! Father, I pray that the lessons you have taught me will not be forgotten. Please continue to shape my dull and broken heart, revive my spirit so that my life will scream JESUS CHRIST!!! and not me. Amen.

General elections 2011

2011-05-06T00:07:00.002+08:00

I think I have grown old enough, to see and to hear...

This elections is not about a political warfare

This elections is not about charisma.

This elections is about the people of Singapore, my fellow country man, my home.

This elections is about the society at large, to standup for social injustices, to allow the hidden issues well masked to be surfaced and debated.

This elections is about breaking the porcelin doll, to reveal the dark and rotten inside, so that it can be cleaned.

I thank God for blessing Singapore. We have had a good government and much opportunities to progress and grow. But it is time for us to be responisble of the progress we have. To not allow economics/finance/money to blind us from the many issues that are swept under the carpet.

My dear fellow Singaporeans, pls vote wisely, for a better tmr!!

May God bless Singapore!!!!

When the loving gets difficult

2011-04-07T20:52:00.002+08:00

For a moment it crossed my mind. I want to simply stop loving. Stop being nice. Stop being accomodationg.

I just wanted to show my maximal angst, vent all my frustrations, throw my weight around, give others a piece of my mind, make my point know, have things my way...

But the Lord stopped me...

God is all I desire

2011-03-06T20:07:00.003+08:00

I'm on leave!!!! And my leave is ending :(

But I'm extremely thankful for this short break. It's a good rest in many sense of the rest. Physical rest (more time to sleep), mental rest (don't need to think about work) and most important of all, Spiritual rest (Amen!!!). It was also a time to catch up with family and friends, to renew relationships lost due to the business of work.

2 miraculous events I must mention, and give thanks for :)

1) I've finally, and completely finished another book :) The Great Divorce by C. S. Liews. Thank God for such a proliferic writer who has brought out such deep and thought-provoking ideas. Through many of the examples of "people in hell", one point was made, heaven is the place where man desires God and Him alone. It doesn't potray a selfish, self-deluded God, but reflects God's great love for us. Hell is a place where we are trapped in our own desires, unable to break free. It is indeed sad, to be unable to break away from the bondage on earth (be it relationships, ideals, things we treasure and hold onto), having to carry it onto our afterlife, allowing them to continue to trouble us. No wonder Christ often remind us, if we are to follow Him, we must "carry our cross, deny ourselves" Mat 16:24-25

And it is even scarier to be looking on these people from a thrid person point of view cos these pple reflect the very things that I hold on to dearly. My family, many of my ideals/values, friends...And these things are so so subtle, some I even consider it's pursual a Godly thing. But Liews portrays a pastor in hell, so obsessed about sharing the gospel that he actually forgot the Star of the gospel. Reaching heaven, he chose to return to hell wanting to share the gospel rather than being with God. Indeed, it is so easy to be caught up with the work that we often forget our motivation for the work. Just as 许牧师 reminded us today from Mary/Martha and Jesus's encounter " Martha...you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10: 41-42

As I reflected on the book, I realised that I don't really love God...that having God as my heart's sole desire is so so difficult. The world has just too many things that bind my heart, stealing that throne fit for my King. I can delude myself saying that they are God centered, but honestly, when it comes to the crunch at the gates of heaven, would I be able to let them all go to be filled with God and God alone?

Father, fill my heart with your presence once more. Clear that throne room of my life of everything that is keeping me from you. Oh Lord, I pray that YOU are the only motivation for everything in my life, my love for my family, Fangyu, ministry, friends, work...Father, may it stem only from You!

2) I completely lost my voice this morning when I woke up!!! On any other sunday that would not have been a matter of major concern. But this morning, I was going to lead worship!!!! OMG!!! How to lead worship when I can't even speak!?!?!? But instead of devastation and panic that gripped me, I was filled with peace and one reminder...Pray!! And thank God that's what I did.

God worked His miraculous hand to orchestrate a wonderful service with a voiceless worship leader. What a beautiful reminded that the worship does not depend on me alone. Not singing for 80% of the service has given me the opportunity to appreciate the importance of the music team, of the tech team and of the whole congregation singing in unison. What beautiful worship that is, to worship God in truth and Spirit. En route to church, I kept thinking, would a voiceless worship leader cause the whole service to become very messy? But God reminded me, and affirmed, our worship is to Him and He is the center of our worship. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can make that worship less, when we worship Him from our hearts.

Father, teach us as a church to worship you from our hearts, to make a music so beautiful pleasing to Your ears, a river that flows declaring Your glory, a fragrance so sweet spreading Your love and blessing...as a church.

新年，新生命

2011-02-06T12:37:00.000+08:00

新年，新生命
许牧师

What is a new beginning to us as Christians?
Mark 5:1-18

We must first have an encouter with Christ!!

1. 耶稣让我们看见我们生命的黑暗/软落。
Mark 5:2-6 --> being bounded n kept in the dark gloomy graveyard. Does our life also have that dark miserable point?

so how did things change? He had an encouter wif Christ!!! When Christ comes into our life,
- he gives light to shine in the darkness of our life
- to give a new perspective to the struggles we face (our self centeredness, weakness, sin... )
- to give strength n courage to overcome our weakness

"Dear Lord, I have a big problem in my life, causing me so much miseary, holding me back from moving forward. help me Lord!"

2. 耶稣让我们看见生命新的意义，肯定生命的价值。
Jesus came specially to visit this demon possessed man, out of his way/culture and to consider his life much more worthy compared to 2 thousand pigs.

Our life has great value in Christ!! But we are too often blinded by the worldly values to see just how precious we are in Christ. As a result, we blindly pursue the empty values of the world, to become miserable n empty wif the temporal values.

So, have we been seeing others as valuable people? the sick whale in the ward, the uncle sweeping the floor, the troublesome family? Oh Lord, forgive me for thinking i am more valuable than others, help me to see ur glory in others.

3. 生命有新的方向，领受生命的呼召。
Have we seeked the direction n calling God has given us?

Ah, a new year with many new beginnings :) time to be on my knees to pray.

A child again

2011-01-30T23:44:00.002+08:00

I thank God.

For reminding me, that im just a child in His eyes. a child, learning to grow, preciously held, stubborn at times, yet loved.

Indeed, todays intro bible study has revealled so much inside me. declaring God's glory was the title, n I tot, I ve heard so much about it in cf, wats new? n God, thru Sarah, slapped me real hard wif this "If we think we know God's glory, then we are truly blind". I tot i had a wealth of christian experience, of better christian knowledge than others. but i suddenly realised, painfully, that all these did not matter.

My life has been increasing devoid of God. i m losing the very innocence n joy of having faith n trusting in God. my r/s wif others,is soon taking up a senior/superior form "i ve got income", "I've got knowledge", "I'm a doctor, u are not"

Even in church ministry, I think I m spirtually way ahead, served in so many vocations, had much bible study n lessons. but God has helped me realise that i m no more than a child, learning to serve n love Him again.

At work, I realise MBBS is really nothing. i have almost forgotten all the knowledge n skills i ve gain. Indeed, as I work (and see my seniors) work (or even my juniors around practicing), I think they are so much better me. I am a dangerous doctor...and the greatest danger is that I don't recognise the danger.

I don't want to grow up

2011-01-16T12:35:00.000+08:00

Talked to andrew earlier, n realised just how much i dont want to grow.

Andrew suggested tat i do some tough speciality n get good training. my mind sings the same song, but my heart is so weary about it. after going thru these months of pain, i dont really want to suffer it again. i just want a break!!! but do i need it?

Then here we are thinking about our xiaozhu's future, about finding a new leader, n fang yu suggested that being a leader is a good spiritual training, n i realised how much i dread growing up too *thanks zhengxin for e massage*

I have been wanting to take up the role of being a grp leader, but i know i cant. i dont have a clear burden, no direction. but i think back about the joys of leading cf, and i wonder why i cant do it now?

Ah, not to forget gcube. Did I not joined gcube cos I wanted to struggle and work out my faith? but i have been so dorment and inactive. Where has all the drive and passion gone? Where has the passion to grow in the Lord gone?

I dont want to grow up!!! i have not e courage to take up new burden, no heart to learn, no will to take the road of suffering...

But yet i know i must. i know God will want me to. but my heart...it is so weak, so waery...oh Lord, save me, speak to me n grant me the courage to move on. if not, my life wld crumble, my relationships will fail n my faith will be non-existance.

Father, pls also give me wisdom to learn n know where u wld want me to put my energies in. teach me to seek ur kingdom, ur will n to follow ur direction. help me Lord.\par}

to our MSW, CH and VNH

2010-12-18T00:03:00.005+08:00

After dealing with so many social cases, I realised one thing...We should be praying for our MSW, the various community hospitals, voluntary nursing homes and other community service. Cos they are the "last defence" for our patients...but who is supporting this greatly deprived organisations? We often take them for granted, expect them to be there when we need them. May the Lord continue to provide and bless them.

There r no regrets in life, only lessons learnt

2010-12-06T23:28:00.000+08:00

Just made a big boo boo.

Start: NAFA destination: the nearest mrt home.
Plan: little india mrt. then we walked...saw national library, thought, ah, bras bahsar mrt nearer, can take circle line. the walking towards nat lib, realised that i m actually nearer to bugis, then was at the junction when i suddenly rmb my journey from church to fes ie lib which was amazingly short, so decided to just walk to city hall instead (save money to transfer).

As i walked, in the silence of the night n coolness of the nat lib, i got really emo bout just how sad my life is. dreading life, dreading work, wondering how i can carry on, wondering how OTHERS carry on...walked walked, i found myself sitting at the seats beside smrt hq... ... ...

Then my phone rang. dad wanted me to buy bread. i dont know why, but i crazily answered, from carrefour? and so, i begin my journy back to dhoby ghaut...thru SMU, thru hotel rendavous... ... to suddenly realise, didnt i just start around here not too long ago????

I had almost walked back to where I started!!! What a big boo boo!!!!

But life is like this.

You learn from the mistakes u make. you learn from the imperfections. yes, sometimes the boo boos are more frequent, more repetative. sometimes the price to pay is much higher, more painful...but at the end of the day, what doesnt kill u only make u stronger.

And thus...every lesson in life becomes a blessing. thru mistakes u see ur weakness. thru weakness u see ur imperfection n incapability. and thru it u see Gods strength n perfection n blessings. what amazing love n grace :)

To think just moments ago i was contemplating ending my miserable life. what a misery it wld be then, to not see God's blessing n be filled wif such joy n grace :)

Hallelujah!!!! To God be the glory!!!

In the belly of the whale...

2010-10-17T23:39:00.002+08:00

The boat is rocking violently in the raging storm. There seems to be no rest, no peace, no joy. All around is bitter darkness. How can one be the salt and light being beatten and thrown about in the raging sea? There seems to be no hope...only to jump off the boat...

And here comes the whale....*gulp*

God is good...all the time!!!

===============

I thank for His ever sufficient grace and blessings.When all seems hopeless, He blessed me today through Rev Wong TM's sharing at our church's anual Medical Sunday. It was a simple sharing on Christian devotion, a simply familiar theme which speaks deeply.

John 21:15-19
Jesus said:" Do you love me?"
Peter replied:"Yes I do Lord"
Jesus: "Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep"
[x3]

These days, I began to realise how much God has been detached from my work. Work is increasingly becoming just work, an every day affair, a rigid ritual, an obstacle I have to cross (hopefully without too much trouble) before I can receive rest for that day. I begin each day counting down to the end of the day. More work = more pain. There seems to be no joy/hope, only stress and misery.

Yet this is what God has called me to! This is the place where I pray weekly at the end of service, I want to love and serve God in. Yet, have I been serving the Lord thru my work? I feel so guilty and unworthy of the purpose that God has called me to serve and worship Him. Work has become a curse... ... because I have lost sight of God.

Rev Wong shared an intresting point about worship, including both a creative/artistic expression and the practical/service expression of love to God. And what service would the Almighty need of us? Jesus puts it clearly: Feed my sheep/Take care of my sheep
That's what God has called all of us to do! For us to see Christ thru the suffering of others, to find Him amongst the needy. Yet, have I? Oh how blinded I have been to be seeking God in the wrong places when He can be found in the vast harvest field He has placed me in! God is right here in the midst of my work! I pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, yet why am I so blind? Where is the Christian devotion in my life?

Cos my life has been too fragmented and thus fall into pieces. I have cut the line between personal/professional, sercular/sacred. Oh Lord, how I need your healing, to heal my fragmented life, to restore Your kingdom in the completeness of my life!

In worship, God inspires us to work.
In work, God receives our worship!

Father Lord, I pray:
1) That you help me see the suffering Christ in the suffering of the people I serve (patients/colleagues), that every one I serve be like serving you. Humble me to love them even when they are unlovable, give me the courage and out pouring of Your blessings.

2) Teach me to give without expecting any return (rest/recognision), but only the joy which comes from Your pleasure. May I be good...for nothing. May the work of my hands not receive recognision by the world, but by You O Lord!

3) Give me the courage to encourage others, to fan the passion in others, to serve and worship. Father, I thank you that you have not called us to be solo rangers in this battlefield, but to enter the World as a family of bro/sis, united in Your fellowship. Give me wisdom to care for my colleagues and juniors, to see them more than just colleagues but a family.

Father, all these I pray in your holy and precious name. Amen.

When the world seems to crumble...

2010-10-09T23:32:00.002+08:00

...God sheds light...

...true light so gentle, yet so powerful, that pierces thru the darkest clouds.

When my world seems to crumble, I receive a gentle call, a prayer over the phone, from a beloved senior who reminds me, it'll be over soon.

When my world seems to crumble, I had a simply wonderful dinner at home, to be reminded of my dearest family members who are always behind me...my strongest pillar of support.

When my world seems to crumble, God sends friends, through blogs/phone calls/simple words of encouragements, that we are not alone.

When my world seems to crumble, my beloved drops a msg, writes a blog and reminded me what love can be.

When my world seems to crumble, I know His hand holds. Hands that are strong, secure, faithful, powerful, full of healing...He holds my world in His hands!!!

...And I know, my world will never crumble.

Because He lives, I can face tmr!!!

Living a life of Jonah

2010-10-02T21:12:00.009+08:00

One thought fills my mind these days...Why am I so miserable doing what I know God wants me to do?

I know what God wants me to do is good, and I know (after 5+ years of evidence based experience) that God wants me journey this road to become a doctor, why am I so so so miserable/depressed/pained these days to be doing His work? Shouldn't doing God's work be joyful and happy? Shouldn't there be a great sense of peace as I love and serve Him thru my work? Why then am I so miserable at work these days?

I thought it was THE WORK (ext) factor. But when I turn to see friends/colleagues who display such passion and joy in their work, I realised it's not the work...but the worker (ie me). And thru my wonderful brother, Jon, God has shed some light over the mystery of misery...

I have been leading a life of Jonah.

It has always been my prayer that I want to be a Competent, Compassionate, Christian doctor so that others may see God in me. And I guess God is taking this process of moulding me very seriously. I realised that moments of great misery are often moments of my weakness:
- to do something I'm not confident or good at
- to do something time-consuming/tiring when I'm already tired
- when something I expect does not turn out the way I expect
- ...

I know.

But the mind and the heart just seems so detached. I know I must change, I know that all that is happening is good, but my heart just can't seem to take that. I'm just feeling miserable everyday, wanting only a slacker life, glad that I leave the hospital everyday, to leave the heavy baggage behind, but having such great inertia and dread to return each day. When more work comes/my work phone rings, my heart literally sinks as I pick it up instead of receiving them with a smile. At work, I'm merely a working machine. My mind is almost shut down. I don't think much/more than the task at hand (unlike so many of my friends/colleagues who can pick up the needs of patients and be sensitive to them). That is truly loving patients, being compassionate...and me, I am nowhere near that.

I'm travelling away from Nineveh, though as much as I am trying to turn towards Nineveh...

I pray. I really do with all my heart, that God help mebe more loving, me more sensitive, to have the courage to face each challenge and obstacle, to note be lazy and slack.

I try. To wear a smile when facing everyone, to be perfect in my work, to think more for my patient's needs, to be convinced that THIS is God's work.

But it's just so tiring. I'm just so helpless. I'm so useless. I'm just unable to do that which God calls me. Like Jonah, I'm casuing the ship to sink, bring everyone around with me. My carelessness has caused much trouble/burden to my teammates, my lack of clinical sensitivity/fear of mistakes/uncertainty has led to sub-optimal care of my patients, the internal struggle and pain has caused me to be so withdrawn from others, to become so selfish, refusing to love or reach out to others...

The ship is sinking...

Maybe I should just jump off into the sea...

...‘cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way

2010-09-26T00:02:00.002+08:00

A beautiful song that sings of my sould in the current situation:

I’m far away from what I’ve known
And there’s static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I’ve been up and down this winding road
It’s getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled, my coffee’s turned to grey

But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Sweet embrace, I’m on my way

So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke
How many miles must I go till I rest in Your grace
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me, a sinner or a saint

But I’m on my way, I’m on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I’ll be alright
‘Cos I’m on my way, I’m on my way
Don’t give up on me, I’m on my way

I can picture your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
If I ever get lost
I know that you’ll find me
There’s a cross on a hill saying “Do not be afraid.”

I’m on my way
If I keep you in my sight
I know I’ll be alright

"On my way" by Corrine May

Devastated and helpless

2010-09-22T06:09:00.003+08:00

When your most loved one becomes a patient, what should you do?
When all medical knowledge points towards death, how do you find hope?

Time is running short. There seems to be nothing I can do.

Father, in moments like this, I call out to You!!! You are the God of miracles, and I believe in You.

I hate my life!!!

2010-09-20T05:30:00.007+08:00

I have come to somewhat a conclusion...I hate my life.

No, it's not that I hate living, but rather, I hate the way my life is being lived. Over the past weeks since I started my new posting, I have been living with many regrets I can hardly pen them down...reget not spending time with my loved ones, regret not loving my family more, regret being so tired and snappy outside of work, regret missing important occations, regret becoming more and more implosive...and soon, maybe...even to regret being a doctor...

My work has taken away so much of my time and energy. What's left is spent sleeping so that I can work again the next day. The more I think about, I find myself in such a pathetic and pitiful state. I put in my effort and love for others, at the expense of my loved ones. I try to do my best for my patients (even thou sometimes it may be rather unreasonable), but what am I doing for my loved ones? I have decreased interaction with my family (even my sis asked why she hasnt' seen me for so so long), I'm so tired when I do see my family, I become so snappy at them...I feel like an unfilial bastard, only taking from my family and giving nothing...Yes, I hate myself.

And my friends...I haven't seen my dear cabbages for close to a month. It was painfully and deeply painful when I heard that 2 dear friends are engaged. Not that I don't want them to be engaged (it s a great and joyous news...finally :P ), but that I can't be there to share in their joy :( I haven't been to church since 1 Sep.

Last but not least, I feel increasingly detached from God. I haven't been to church, but more than that, I find my prayers so so self centered, so much about my suffering, my pain. Though I pray (or rather cry out in distress), it's me that centers my prayer. Quiet time is so limited, cos I'm just so so tired when I sit down and be quiet, my eyes can't pass even 2 sentences. I'm living on "past reserves" and verses my dear friends constantly msg me. Sometimes, I even fill that cup of blessing deminishing, though my mind always reminds me, His grace is sufficient for me...

But indeed, God's grace is sufficient for me!!! Though it has been stormy and gloomy, God's light never ceases to shine through the rain. He has shown me so many miracles, revealing His power in ways I cannot image and holding me up each time I fall. God is good...all the time!!! If not for His strength, I would not even be able to live for another second. If not by His grace, I would have just let go and given up. If not for His faithfulness, life would have been meaningless.

Becase He lives, I can face tomorrow!!!

Oh Lord, be my ever present strength and joy in every circumstances, so I may shine for you, at home and at work.

The journey of the cross

2010-09-10T22:24:00.002+08:00

No one said the journey of the cross would be easy.
But I never knew it could be so difficult and even painful....

Things were so terrible one night, I simply collapsed in the lift in tears and prayer. When the door openned, I ran out straight to the staff toilet in fear of being seen. It has been painful and stressful, to be in such an unfamiliar system, to work with unfamiliar faces, to realise that there's so much that I don't know, to be petrified by the fact I am a danger and burden to others...worst still, I started to see just how the stress at work is eating into me, sucking out every ounce of joy and love that I have. I become so tired/stressed/paralysed that even a simple simle becomes so difficult.

I begin to wonder, maybe I should just quit. One senior once said, why choose tough postings to suffer? Sld just get the slack postings and relax, enjoy life. I look at that now and wonder what's wrong with that? I'm so swamped now at work that I simply become a work machine, struggling to complete changes. Patients are no longer people but cases I need to attend to (must not miss out otherwise senior not happy). Nurses become classified into those that help and those that don't, rather than friends and partners. I no longer have the time or energy to sit down and slowly speak to ptn or to even smile and make friends. Everything must be done...and fast...stat...No love, no compassion, just get the job done (without getting a complain). The motivation to work each day becomes to satistfy seniors rather than to practice medicine. It's chillingly painful, yet a stark reality.

My family is almost cast aside. I leave home before the rest of the household wakes up and return when everyone is asleep. Dad, dagu and ergu have to wake up with me at 430am to prepare breakfast for me, yet I don't even have time to smile and say thanks when the taxi horns for me downstairs. Don't have time to share my siblings problems, don't have the energy to wish loved ones happy birthday. And my dear, just how long have we not spoken, not seen each other. How I miss her, to see her... They say it's a choice, if you choose to do something, you will make time for it..but this thought has become shackles weighing me down with guilt. I become more sucked and stuck down.

Prayers are minimised from shining for God to a simple "Oh Lord, help me survive the day". QT is almost non existant. I take out my Bible and soon find my mind so overwhelmingly occupied with the stress at work I can't even settle down myself to reflect and meditate. Even if i had the time to open the Bible, I simply fall asleep before even crossing 3 sentences.

Work...work...work...where is God in all these? Where is the love that I had hoped to give? How can I be a blessing to others when I am so useless, unexperienced, careless and weak? I become increasingly paralysed with fear, at times so paralysed I fear to even speak (in case I say something gravely wrong or stupid). I become sucked into the comfort zone that seems to be shrinking by the day...

Maybe I should really quit...
I can't quit my work...so maybe I sld just quit being nice. Or trying to...
Maybe it's ok to just do changes without feeling for ptns, maybe it's ok not to be nice to others, maybe it's ok to just treat work like work...Maybe...it's ok not to be a Christian at work...

....

NO!!!!

This IS the path God has set me on. This IS the road that i have choosen to take. This IS the journey to the cross!!! Jesus carried His cross to Calvary and now I shall carry my cross to Heaven.

Then He said to them all "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit his very self? " Luke 9:22-23

This is the journey of the cross.

I praise and thank God for helping me see just how every day's struggle is drawing me closer to Him. At each obstacle I encounter, God is there, ready to shape and chistle me. Indeed, like Paul said, in our weakness God's glory is magnified! I am the clay in the Potter's hand, and though it will be painful being moulded and shaped, I want to be shaped into that perfect artwork my Potter has in mind.

Father, I thank you for placing me where I am. Though it has been (and will probably be) tough/painful and stressful, Lord I pray you strengthen me and fill me with Your Spirit. For Father, I serve not out of what I have, but out of the overflowing blessing inside me. And you alone are the source of blessings. Give me wisdom to learn fast, prioritise, be sensitive to dangerous signs/symptoms. Fill me with your love and joy, that I can love and bring joy to others. I thank you for the seniors and many friends you have placed around me, being so encouraging and supportive. Father, help me hold the cross at my workplace, that all will see and know You are God!!!

Amen

Happy birthday

2010-07-16T00:42:00.001+08:00

Someone...a rather long time ago...commented that birthdays are special moments for us to stop and give thanks for ALL the blessings the Lord has given us throughout our lifespan. Indeed, birthdays are possible only because of the gift of life God has given...and birthdays are precious, because of the gifts of love from many others God has given. Birthdays are not about ME, but rather, the many others God has given and blessed me with. It's a celebration of God's love !!!!

As I celebrate my second lunar cycle (ie 24 yrs), I am just amazed by God's blessings through the year and through the years. Family, friends, miracles are just about in every page and chapter of my life.

To all my dear friends out there...

THANK YOU!!!! for making my birthday possible :)

生命就是一场战争

2010-07-05T00:27:00.002+08:00

许牧师 gave an inspiring sermon that truly touched my heart.
Sharing from 出埃及记 17: 8-16, it was a precious lesson from how God was the banner over the Isrealistes as they battled the Amalekites.

生命就是一场战争：
1）我们是否与神争战，或是神与我们争战？
2）我们是否为神而争战，或是神为我们争战？
3）我们是否在乎赢得战役，或是赢得战争？

Three questions that really hit the soul and searches the spirit. It questions the very attitude and motivation to our daily activities. There is no doubt that life is a daily battle. At a physical level (work, studies, relationships) or on a spiritual level. But how do we fight these battles? What sld our attitudes be?

Simply put, God is should be the center/focus of all battles. He should be the reason and motivation we fight. We battle each day for His cause, we battle for Him and not Him for us; and we want to focus on the final goal, the Cross, not just on the small wars each day.

How apt is this sharing in view of the work I do now! Indeed, I find myself in a daily battle in many sense of the word, against the world, against myself and against the devil. Yet so often, I find myself asking "Where is God?", "Why can't God just help me?" rather than recognising that God is the focus of ALL my work! What a foolish and blind man I have been, to be deceived by the Evil one.

Indeed, have been feeling very Spiritually dry recently. Maybe it's being sick and fatigued. Maybe it's things going more smoothly than usual. Or maybe it's just pure laziness to challenge my thinking and actions, to keep them in check. All in all, I have slowly taken over God's place in my life to become the self-centered me...and I know, life wld soon be in a mess if things don't start changing.

Oh Father Lord, I am such a weak and foolish person. I am so in need of Your grace and guidance. Help me Father, be my Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Nissi, for I want to battle under Your banner till eternity. Amen.

不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添

2010-06-09T21:24:00.002+08:00

I felt like crying, but yet no tears came. I felt like having an angina, a deep physical aching in my heart, almost crushing in nature. I was faint, naueating and even close to syncope. The more my thoughts went by, the worse the symptoms...Sucide came to mind, but I thank God for sweeping it away almost instantly.

Why am I here suffering? Why do I have to subject myself to such agony? I could simply quit and leave all these behind and move on. I could simply live each day on "survival mode" and de uninterested in the work. But yet, I know I can't...

I can't...because God would not want me to.

It's into the 2nd month of my HOship. One would expect that I'm more experienced, more settled down into the system, more confident in dealing with patients and medically related stuff. But on the contrary, I realise day by day just how much I do not know, even simple "medical student" level stuff. More and more of my weakness are revealled in dangerous situations, often, to the extend of scaring myself. I am a dangerous doctor, a terrible curse to my patients and a burden to my colleagues.

So I sld just quit...

But many have reminded me that I am barely starting on this journey. There's so much I don't know, so much I need to learn. I know I am a slow learner, and wld have to humble in learning and a little more hardworking in picking up these skills on the job. But... ... I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...and even Spiritually tired. It's becoming a struggle everyday to keep up the positiveness, to remember why I am here every day.

But we worship an amazing God!!!! Many times, I am just so thankful for God's blessing and encouragements from His word. Indeed, we serve not out of what we have, but out of an overflowing of the Lord's blessing. His Spirit fills us so abundantly that we simply outflow with His joy and grace. Therefore, He is glorified through our weakness (as Paul puts it nicely)!!!! What an amazing encouragement!!!

These days I feel like giving up, to just slack and care-less, to just live life my own way, disregarding everyone else. But God reminds and reprimands me, that I worship Him. He encourages me, that He who begin the good work, will see to its beautiful completion!!! And so, here is my prayer : 不求外在苦难短减，只求内心力量加添!

All glory to God alone!!!

The real deal

2010-05-17T23:28:00.002+08:00

I'm into my 3rd week of being a doctor...and I'm still dumbfounded by this role that God has placed me in.

The power to heal...and kill...To build and to break, to love and to un-love. I feel like I'm standing in this thin balance where any small move will make or break...And how I hate such situations, to have so little space to manuever, to have so little confidence to propel, so little time to consider. It is truly out of my comfort zone...Yet I thank God for placing me where I am.

This is the real deal! This is the being of a compassionate, competent, Christian doctor I have been praying all my five years. And how I thank God for the vision He had given me right at the start of the journey, and how He hs promised me with a rainbow that He will see me through this journey.

Life in the wards is challenging. One is faced with many decisions, many relations. I can't multi-task for nuts and when things are thrown at me all of a sudden, I find myself simply lost in the pile of mess. Loving is not a mere emotion, but an action with rational decision. Deciding to love as Christ does takes great wisdom and humility, no more "gut feeling" but lots of prayful moments of inner conviction and inspiration.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have so often found myself in the dark side --- the uncompassionate, incompetent, self-centered me. I find a great struggle to even think WWJD, I find it a pain to pray, to think. What a great temptation it is to just be slack, get things done and survive. But I thank God He will not have me live my life so...How often He has rebuked me thru seniors, my dear bro Sam and many others, and also to encourage me thru them. All praise and glory to Him alone!!!

I have come to see my work as a worship and offering to God...and there can be NO substandards, not because I wanna shine in front of anyone, but cos I am accountable to Him, who has blessed me to bless others, who has called me to this office. Glory to God in the highest!!!

Dr Chua

2010-04-20T01:21:00.002+08:00

Got myself registered with the Singapore Medical Council, got my PC and number. For the first time in my life, I sign an offical document addressed to Dr Chua Yu Cong Eugene :)

I can hardly describe the joy of seeing my name on the PC. It's a beautiful dream come true, a prize received at the end of a race.

My heart was filled with awe and amazement as I looked back about the five years that God has brought me through. All the miracles He has revealed in my life, all the obstacles and challenges He has carried me through, all the precious experiences and lessons learnt...Indeed, all praise and glory to God, for it was by His grace and strength alone that I can run this race. It was a long race of bitter-sweet joys and sorrows. It was a race with many hurdles and pits. I fell. I hurt myself, but God's hand was always there. Through every tough time, He sent forth His blessing, assured me with His promise, and helped me to stand and run again.

And now, a new race has began.

This is the race to become the compassionate, competent Christian doc God has called me to be. Yes, it's so exciting at the starting point. I begin to recall all the lessons God has taught me, all the inspirational role models He has blessed me to meet and all the struggles that lie ahead. It's gonna be another painfully long race, but I am sure the Lord will lead.

For now, let's get our hearts settled right with the Lord, awaiting His gunshot and run the race!!

The "joys" of being a doctor

2010-04-05T16:22:00.001+08:00

An account from my SIP days...

There’s this old lady under my team’s care who has a past medical history of
1) multiple myeloma
2) congestive heart failure
3) rheumatic arthritis
4) Fe/B12 deficiency
5) Osteoporosis
6) CVA
In addition, she has scabies, which is probably the reason why people choose to keep away from her. “Scabies is infectious!!! And you don’t want scabies” I admit that I would not go close to her without gloves and gown either.

If you have a heart, when you see this poor lady all curled up alone in her bed, you can’t help but have an ache. Bones and joints badly deformed due to RA, she lies there on bed like an embryo. She’s barely able to move, completely ADL dependent and feeds through an NG tube. On the few occasions I talked to her, she said she hasn’t eaten for days and wonders if she would die without eating. I tried my best to explain that her body is still receiving nutrient via the NGT and she’ll just nod, almost resigned to fate. (Ah, I wished I could get the speech therapiest to review her and see if she can start feeding. But then again, what if she aspirates? Plus, she’ll need some one to feed her. Yet, aren’t we robbing her of the simple pleasures of feeding, replacing it with an NGT? )

Walking along the corridors, you could often see Mdm X staring blankly into space, as if in her own fantasy world. I sure pray it’s beautiful memories that are flying through her mind, to bring her a smile or 2 as the days pass by. Yet would reality be so painful that she has simply accepted the “life” she now has, confined to the bed she stays, her world limited to the narrow visual field her eyes are permitted to see. Being ignorant to such a great torturous truth seemed like the more comforting alternative.

No one visits Mdm X, at least in my knowledge. You can even feel an invisible ring surrounding her that seems cursed, where no one wants to tread. Lonely and alone, I shudder to consider such painful loneliness. Won’t life be meaningless when you are in this pitiful state? And God said He came to give us life, and life to fullest. I can hardly see any life in Mdm X.

When asked what she hoped for, her only answer was to return to her former old folks home (at Orchard road). Hearing that is like a stab through my heart. I do not doubt the care the hospital here, but wherever that old folks home is, it's truly home...and yet it ain't a real home, by my definition.

The most painful stroke for me was when I had to set an IV line for Mdm X. I know I’m lousy at IV lines to start with. Her veins are not the most difficult ones, by my standard. They were palpable and visible. Yet as I set my first one, the tubing got kicked :( Already, Mdm X was screaming in pain, the slow, deep wrenching scream of sheer pain. Yet I failed!!! Oh, how I prayed for a success, that I would not have to do it a second time. But why did I fail? Why is it always me who have to inflict pain on others…

How I wish I can vow to never inflict pain again. But yet I know that wld be impossible. I know my limitations and my weakness. But I know, in God, all things are possible...I just have to trust Him, to guide me to care for my patients.

Remember the cross

2010-04-03T01:34:00.002+08:00

This is one Good Friday which doesn't feel Good friday-ish. Maybe cos the holiday is in the middle of my holiday so don't have that extra feel. Maybe I haven't been to church for a while and have missed the lent reminder (大斋). Maybe my sphere of Christian influence are mostly overseas...But no matter what, there can be no excuse and I am truly ashamed that I haven't spent time reflecting on the cross...forgive me Lord.

But I thank God for my church pastor Rev Titus Zhang. He is truely a gifted speaker. He speaks with great wisdom from God, founding his sermon closely onto the Word and inspiring his sheep to follow after Christ. What a blessing it is to be led by such a shephard...haha, to think that I was angst with him once, foolish me.

Rev Zhang shared a very interesting perspective of the cross...rejection and seperation.(十架上的离弃). The cross marked Christ's rejection by many. (1) the Jews who welcomed Him with palm leaves and shouts of praise were the people who shouted "Crucify Him". (2) His beloved disciple Peter denied Him 3 times, each with a stronger curse. (3) God the Father forsaking Him as He bore the sins of th world.

(1) & (2) Why was there such rejection? It was because Christ did not meet their expectations. When the Jews failed to learn the meaning of Messiah, they found Jesus unfit to be their King as He proclaims. And similarly, when Christ was no longer in a powerful state, Peter's humanly reaction was to run away. Isn't it so between man-man r/s? So often, r/s fall apart becasue one party fails to meet another party's expectations...I can think of a very personal friendship that fits the description.

(3) But not so in the Father's rejection of the Son! Yes, this was a painful rejection, when Christ shouted "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mat 27: 46). It was a terrible seperation of the perfect Trinity. Yet, upon this rejection was the bridge of reconciliation! For it was through Christ's sacrifice that we can have eternal life and be reunited with God.

When we survey the wonderous cross, do we not see God's great sacrifice and love? How then can we achieve such reconciliation between God and Man? Only when we commit our spirits into the Father's hands, just as Christ did!

Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.

It's over.

2010-03-31T00:41:00.002+08:00

I stepped out of my last paeds station and happily joined the queue which was already formed. Everyone talked excitedly about the cases they just had. We walked towards the end of the corridor where our handphones and friends awaited us. It was only then it striked me that the exam was over.

There was no oooo or wow. It's just... ...over

5 years. 60 months. 1825 days. This day marks the end of our medical student life.

No wait.

This marks the end of our lives as students. Not that we stop learning, but we wld never have to attend school. This day truely marks the end of our accademic lives.

It took a rather long while for that truth to set in. The bunch of us lerked around NUH Kent Ridge Wing lobby for at least 30min, calling family, chatting, taking photos, deciding where to go...There was no sense of excitement or sheer relieve, just that it's...over.

Someone commented that suddenly, life seemed to have lost it's purpose...and I can't help but agree. We have been studying for so so long, always preparing for the next exam. But now, there is no exam ahead to look to.

It's really ironic, that thru the preparing for this exam, we were always looking forward to the end of it. The end of the exam almost became a motivation for us to press on. Yet now at the end of the road, everything just comes to this large full stop. No outburst of emotions, no great sense of relief. Just a full stop.

Soon our feet led Jon and myself to the science canteen. In sharing, we both marvelled at just how 5 yr had gone by and how God has blessed us, sustaining us thru this rocky road. All that knowledge to grasp, all the experiences, all the wonderful relationships/friendships we have built...5 yrs seemed so short, yet recalling each experience, we are amazed by the length. We soon found ourselves in prayer, of thanksgiving, of commiting the future and all it's uncertainty into the Lord's hands.

Indeed, the future is a great uncertainty. Would we pass/would we fail? How would the working environment be? We wld nvr know.

Life is a journey. Look to the cross.

When it is all said and done

2010-03-18T00:59:00.004+08:00

It's Day 10 of MBBS...

We have cleared all our theory papers. The toughest clinical exams lie ahead of us. For me, it starts this Sat with the surgical clinicals.

I can hardly believe that we are already more than halfway thru this major exam. The past few days have just swept by so swiftly, it almost seem like this morning's MEQ was a matter of a distant past. Haha, everything seems like a dream, each moment passing by without one's notice, yet I know that my time is counted to the very second, for every moment is precious.

Was telling Xian that things pass by so fast, sometimes I wonder at the end of the day, the purpose of living for each day seems to become blurred. When it is all said and done, what have we lived our life for? How have our lives lived to God's will for us? When time passes so fast, we have to be more conscious of what we live for each day. O Lord, give me wisdom and obedience to follow you all the way.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --- Eph 5:15-17

And here it comes

2010-03-08T22:18:00.002+08:00

After 5 years of training, we finally arrive at the final MBBS.

A mixture of excitement and anxiousness fills me as I wonder how tmr morning will be. Yet, I have a sense of peace knowing that the sun will still shine tmr and our faithful Father would be there with His new blessings every new morning.

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " Phi 1:6

Indeed, the Lord has led us to this journey and He will definitely see us through till the end. Our confidence lies notin what we know, but in te Lord who giveth us the knowledge and wisdom. So well, we'll face the MBBS and life ahead in the name of the Lord!!!

Father, commit all my friends into your hands. Lead us, guide us and bless us, to become the doctors you want us to be. Amen.

On faith and miracle healing

2010-03-06T09:49:00.002+08:00

Mark 9:14-30

14When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. 15 As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.

16"What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.

17A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18 Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."

19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."

20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

25When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."

26The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." 27But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.

28After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"

29He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."

30They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were...

***************************************

"Miracle healing". This thought has been on my mind for quite a while and resurfaced when one of my friends asked me to visit a church's miracle healing seminar. As someone who is privileged to study the art of medicine, it is indeed hard for me to understand how these miracle healing/healers work. Yet, the Lord I worship and believe has shown great healing and mercy. I once reasoned that we don't see such acts of miracle healing cos this generation (of the new testament) no longer needs such miracles to reveal God's presence for He has been revealed through Christ. My pastor offered another perspective that miracles in our understanding today is a quick and swift fix to our problems (cos it defies time), so is the healing a stage 4 CA over 10yrs considered a miracle? It definitely is! But just that these "miracles" are not so visible.

Was talking with Sam over lunch about this and he shared another friend's view that we don't see such acts of miracles cos we are a generation without such faith. Miracles happen all around us, but we have not the faith to see them and believe that it is a miracle. Hmm...i do find this opinion hard to dispute. Even Christ called us an "unbelieving generation".

Yet, I still struggle with the act of miracles and our attitudes towards them. When miracles happen after we pray, people often attribute the power of healing to the person who prayed "Oh, you are a man of greater faith thus God has heard your prayer". But is that so? Does God only hear the prayers of a "man with greater faith"? Does he not hear all our prayers, as he promised he would in the Bible? I get a sense of self-centeredness thru all these healing seminars/acts of healing instead of a God-centered worship.

But on the other hand, Jesus has rebuked the heart of the faithless. Like in the above passage, the father said "But if you can do anything" (v22) and Jesus immediately pointed out his faithlessness "If you can?...everything is possible for him who believes." (v23). Have I too been too faithless in believing that God can perform miracles? Have I been too faithless and timid to ask God for miracles? Did Jesus not say "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" (Mat 21:21-22). On reflecting, I do realise that my prayers have often been full of doubts and "what ifs". Ha, such an unbelieving heart...

I remember somewhere in the book of Proverbs, King Solomen commented that the prayer of a unbelieving heart is like an insult to God (or something to that extend, but I can't find that verse). Ah, Father, I do believe you are a God of miracles; give me greater faith and help me overcome my unbelief! Amen.

Living life in a blur...

2010-03-01T01:19:00.002+08:00

I guess it's a pre-exam phenomena, where you seem to be able to count every single second that passes by, yet when it passes, it feels like sand slipping thru your hands.

Yup, life becomes a blur. Things just happen, time just passes. Nothing is significantly singnificant, just part of the day. It's so quiet, yet so noisy. Feels like you are standing in the middle of river. The water flows by swiftly, and you are wading profusely, just to find that it's still just you in an unchanging landscape. Sigh, find it hard to quieten my soul down to even do my quiet time.

Feels like running aimlessly, yet the truth is I'm running towards a goal.

Haha, sigh. Living life in a blur, a confused soul.

God is Love

2010-02-28T01:27:00.001+08:00

God is Love.

He created a world out of love.

Kinship

Brotherhood

Friendship

God is love.

Reminiscence therapy

2010-02-23T19:34:00.002+08:00

Finally conlucded that my limited brain can no longer take in more info and decided to take a break. Went to facebook, some friends blog and my own past entries.

Really amazed and amused by my past self. Honestly, I haven't changed much since then. Still making the same mistakes, falling into the same temptations, just that the trigger/agent may be different. And the cycle of events don't differ too much either, I sin --> God helped me realise my sin --> God gave me the strength to overcome that sin --> sin overcame --> --> --> sin again. Haha...sigh... God's really been very patient with me eh :P

Also saw the same God leading me though all these years. His blessings, grace and providance is always so sufficient. Like the Psalmist prayed, God never gave me too much that I forget Him, nor too little that I curse Him. His grace is always enough! Ah, what a great and loving God we have eh :)

Ok, enough reminiscence therapy. BAck to the books!!!! Jia You!!!

I thank God I am loved

2010-02-15T02:26:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't been the best boyfriend, yet I have received the love a best boyfriend deserves. I know I can't promise to love the way you love me (for it is so so perfect), but I promise I will never stop trying.

To my dearest valentine, Happy Valentines' Day...and thanks for sharing your day with my family.

May the Lord teach us to love each other like He loved the church. Let this be our prayer!

Transfiguration (Luke 9:28-36 )

2010-02-14T23:04:00.004+08:00

About eight days after Jesus said this, he took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray. As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning. Two men, Moses and Elijah, appeared in glorious splendor, talking with Jesus. They spoke about his departure, which he was about to bring to fulfillment at Jerusalem. Peter and his companions were very sleepy, but when they became fully awake, they saw his glory and the two men standing with him. As the men were leaving Jesus, Peter said to him, "Master, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." (He did not know what he was saying.)

While he was speaking, a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and they were afraid as they entered the cloud. A voice came from the cloud, saying, "This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him." When the voice had spoken, they found that Jesus was alone. The disciples kept this to themselves, and told no one at that time what they had seen.

Rev Titus Zhang shared on the verse on the Transfiguration of Jesus, and shared how Moses represented the Law and Elijah, the Prophets. And what then brings the Law, the Prophets and the cross together? Mat 22: 37, Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Indeed, it is love. And when God calls us to listen to the word of our Lord, it is the message of love. On this very special day of Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day, such a message adds so much value to the occation, sharing a message of reunion, reconcilation and restoration. Praise be the God!!

Have a blessed Chinese New Year and to all lovers out there, have a Happy Valentine's Day :)

Merlin!!

2010-02-11T20:07:00.003+08:00

Haha...sorry...I'm a sucker for fantasy shows :) Thank God it only had 13 episodes, so not too much time wasted on the entertainment...

Oh well, wish I too can conjure some magic to help me focus and be less distracted :P

亲爱的。。。

2010-02-07T00:33:00.002+08:00

有你的祷告，支持和谅解，我感受到爱的幸福
我也在祷告中默默为你加油打气！

THE MBBS

2010-02-04T00:34:00.002+08:00

32 days and counting...*brrrr*

After the MBBS briefing, reality sets in once more. The final MBBS is near. Time is running short, yet the knowledge gaps only seem to get larger. More topics to cover, more p/e to brush up, essays to read, MCQ to do...arg!!! The fear is real!!!

Was practicing/sparring with Joel and Suriya in the wards eariler, realised how chui I was. Worst of it all was that I was getting weaker at the things that I had once known and was able to perform well. I was stumbling at the things I tot I was ok, and persistantly forgetting things that my friends had taught me (my heart aches each time Joel says "We just discussed that yesterday" and I completely forgotten). Yeah, feel like a burden to my friends (to Aaron/Ken too), not being able to contribute much to their learning, yet leeching from them...Ah, my heart is filled with thanksgiving everyday meet my patient and beloved friends.

Nonetheless, the fear is real...very real!!!

What fear?!?!? Fear of failing MBBS? To be honest, yes. As the exam draws near, I can sense the fear slowly creeping into my heart, stirring my soul. But when all the depressive and anxious emotions die down, I realised how foolish I was to fall into the devil's trap. Why fear? Was it the fear of losing face and hurting my ego? Was it the fear of having to repeat another 6mth? ... What useless fear!

The end point of my medical profession is to be a competent, compassionate, Christian doctor. The only reason I should fear, is the fear of not being able to be the doctor which God would want me to. MBBS is but a check-point to see if I was indeed able enough to be a safe HO, it is not the be all and end all. Thus, if I can't pass, that simply means I'm really not good enough. Period! And I'll give thanks for the extra time (and also that God has kept me from harming others) and jolly well buck up, to fill in the blanks.

Yes!! So what if I can't make it through this MBBS? Yeah I'm sure I'll be a little upset and disappointed, but I will just have to continue the run till the next check-point :)

Then Jacob made a vow, saying, "If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." Gen 28:20-22

Indeed, this has been my prayer since M1, and just look at how God has provided for me all these years. What then should I fear, other than to disappoint my Lord! Father Lord, I commit myself and all my friends into your hands. Lead us all through the valley of the exams and teach us to become the doctors you want us to be.

To all my dear friends, jia you and press on!!!

Psychiatry

2010-01-27T12:10:00.002+08:00

Most people, including many in the medical profession, don't give psychiatry much respect. Some feel that the practice is very effy and hardly objective, others simply fear what they do not know (or know wrongly, thanks to the media). But the past few days in psychiatry has made me realise the importance of this speciality to others...and myself.

Psychiatry is the study of the of psychological conditions and simply put, is the study of the human mind ie how people think and why people think they way they think. With such understanding, one can objectively evaluate a person's thought process and thus appreciate his/her point of view hence improving the inter-personal interaction. More importantly, it has helped me to see people with psychiatric conditions with greater empathy and compassion.

For myself, thru my understanding of various psychiatric conditions, I begin to understand why I see certain things in certain ways, and thus help me put a word to my nameless emotions, giving them a etiology and thus a "mangement". It is a precious journey of self-discovery, which never fails to humble me in realisation of my great imperfection and weakness.

God works in beautiful ways indeed.

Living on the Word

2010-01-24T23:44:00.002+08:00

As my church duties finally come to a pause, me and Sam decided to emback on an advanture to visit various churches of different denominations. First stop : Paya Lebar Methodist Church!

I'm personally not very foriegn to the Methodist church, having been to Weasly Methodist a few times. There's much similarity between the Methodist service and my (Anglican) service, so it was quite easy to follow :) Had a sudden realisation that though we are churches of different denominations at different places, we worship the same God, read the same Bible and follow the same creed. We are a family under the universal chruch/banner of Jesus Chirst!

Coincidentally, Rev Jonathan Seet was sharing with the church today about cult and denomination. How do we know if a particular "Christian" organisation/institute/church is a cult or denomination? He pointed the importance of creeds (eg Nicene creed and the Apostle's creed) which forms the foundational defination of our faith. Anything that deviates from this creed is heresy and thus a cult. A reminder once again of the importance of knowing the creeds and treasuring them.

The sermon message today by Rev Lynette was equally thought-provoking. Though "Living in the Word" is no new message, it was a reminder of the importance of being deligent and faithful in reading God's word. I'm now into the 4th week of my disciplined QT (which started with the 1 week fasting, inspired by Sam n a painful encounter with God). Had commited to spend 1h every day with the Lord, but been failing here and there. Rev Lynette encouraged us not to feel guilty or worst, be legalistic about QT. Our attitude towards QT sld be a joyful and refreshing encounter, like reading a love letter from a loved one. Yes! I will continue to keep this commitment to my Lord, to be disciplined to hold His word close to my heart and living it our in my everyday life. Help me Father!

Yup, so it's an exciting day of visitation. But nonetheless, I do miss my own church and fellowship. It feels extremely werid and incomplete to simply walk out of church after the service (cos we didn't know anyone). Realised how much I actually treasure the fellowship with brothers and sisters, even though a short while after service...Ah, abscence makes the heart fonder :)

So a new week/posting begins. Father, I commit my life (and my dear's) into your hands!

Angst!!!!

2010-01-15T00:55:00.002+08:00

Grrr.....

I know it's very immature of me to get all emotional and angry about such matters, but my heart is indeed filled with angstiness. Grr...the frustration of plans being foiled, of the helplessness before authority...ARG!!!

Oh Lord, teach me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to anger. Keep me in your peace and let Saturn not have a foothold over me!

For interest sake:
angst: A feeling of acute but vague anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression, especially philosophical anxiety.

A humbling profession

2010-01-09T23:45:00.003+08:00

To all you doctors wanna bes, take heed! If you think that being a doctor is all about the glamour, think again! If you ain't ready to serve humbly, please don't take up the profession.

Rainbow!!!!

2010-01-08T23:49:00.004+08:00

It has been a progressively down week.

Things started on Mon real bright and cheery. My life finally got into a discipline. 1h of quiet time, 1h of run and the rest studying (or trying, cos I'll be fighting 周公most of the time). Proud to be able to maintain this for 3 days.

But as the week progressed, I realised how much I didn't know, how lacking I was in my surgical knowledge. My clerking was lousy, missing out important points, not able to formulate differentials/risk factors/complications. Clinical examination skills were poor. It's as if my brain's jammed up, unable to focus or evaluate things. In addition, things I read simply slipped out of my mind. ARG!!! And MBBS is in a few weeks time. My medicine stuff is diffusing out, my ortho is extremely rusty and peads is non-exsistant.

I had a nightmare in the middle of the week. Dreamt that I passed MBBS, but on the first day of HO, my mind blanked out and I in a total lost, unable to manage my patients. Oh man!!! I woke up praying (and almost crying). May that day never come. May the Lord strengthen me and help me!

Then there is this whole residency thingy (and I tot is was all over after the submission). The authorities made a last min change (what's new?!?!?) and now we're "requested" to make a decision which SI we want. So I've been receiving so many calls and emails from the various SI inviting me to their open houses. My trust in the system has dwindled and I know that any information provided at this stage is "to be confirmed" and so am really reluctant to spend my time at the open houses. Furthermore, I have decided that I would like to experience working in ALL the hospitals at least once before making such an important decision.

But nonetheless, this episode has set me thinking of my future. Though I have already made to decision not to speciallise so soon, but all these has made me wonder if this is a right thing to do. Would my learning be comprimised? Would my chances of specialising be at stake? Is making a decision now so essential?

As Joel was driving me and Sam today, I was sharing these troubles and struggles with my beloved brothers. Just when I finished pouring out the pain, I looked to the sky and saw the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen...and I felt like a prayer answered!! This is my prayer since M1 (inspired by Prof Tambyah):

"If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." (Genisis 28:20-22)

Thank God for His faithfulness!!! The rainbow that signifies His promise and covenant. I knew at that moment that God WILL see me though this journey in medicine and would cloth and feed me as He promised. I had nothing to fear!!! It's all truly in His hands.

The jorney to death...

2009-12-21T07:16:00.002+08:00

We will all die one day. No matter how much you try to run away from the fact, it will come and haunt you one day. We will all die.

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23)"... and "the wages of sin is death (Rom 6:23)"

So then, how do we face death? God has given me the privilage of sharing the process to death with many people. Some longer than others, some more painful and torturous. The knowledge of awaiting/inpending death is not easy. I recall a patient crying bitterly once:"医生，你懂等死的滋味是多么痛苦的吗!"

Indeed, the process of inpending death is a painfully bitter one. It is a journey of great uncertainty, not knowing when that moment would come. We lose all hope in living when we realise we don't have much life left. Why carrying on fighting when death is so certain? Why not just end it earlier instead of going thru the pain?

Yet, I've known of many who face death with such bravery and courage they literally shine in the face of death! They hold on to a hope yet seen, a truth so real that gives them life in the light of death. Yes, they hold on to the very Giver of life, the Living stream, the Everlasting hope. Even when their bodies fail them, even when the fact is that they will not recover, they can carry on living for they know they live for the God who has won victorious over power of death.

What a comfort and joy to know that we have a God so powerful and so loving. How I pray friends facing death can receive such comfort too...

Dearest Christine, you will be dearly missed by all of us. Thanks for sharing your life of encouragement with us, showing us the amazing love of God. May we see each other in heaven, in the fellowship of our God. Take care and God bless.

Dear J and T, hang in there! May the Lord grant you peace and strength to travel this last journey on earth. Keeping you in prayer.

爱的时机

2009-12-19T01:00:00.002+08:00

Praise the Lord for guiding thru the past months of preperation for the play. Thank God it ended off with such a blast!!! To God be the glory!!!

It was indeed a great time of fellowship with so many brothers and sisters, and a great encouragement to see how we have worked together in love dispite our differences. Thank God that His love flowed amongst us, teaching us to speak truth in love and to tolerate each other.

But... ... I still don't understand... ... ... why did the audience laugh when I came on stage!!! It was supposed to be a sad scene, the peak of the emo-ness...sigh...never ask a real doc to act doc...sigh.......

Indescribable joy!!!

2009-12-17T01:30:00.003+08:00

A joy that swells from within, so great words fail to describe.

I praise the the Lord, for this happened today not once but twice! What a double blessing!!!

1) Was sharing with someone (can't reveal identity) and he received Christ!!! I was so amazed, almost lost for words! Was sharing with him yesterday, when he was a little reluctant so simply ended with praying for him. Planned to share the gospel bridge with him this morning. Prayed for him the whole night. Went back to say hi this morning and when I asked him again if he believed in heaven, he said yes! Could not believe my ears! Asked if he believed in Jesus Christ, he said yes! Praise the Lord!!!! His Spirit works indeed.

But the work has only just began. Must continue to pray and encourage my new friend :) Oh Lord, give me wisdom to know what to do.

2) Received the card a patient left behind for me after my surgery SIP at TTSH (Thanks Dr Terrance and brother Reuben). It was a simple thank you card, but it spoke multitudes. I almost cannot believe I was holding a thank you card addressed to me :P I really didn't do much, simply went back after my last day to say hi (n bye) to the patients under my care. Didn't expect such a great return of blessing! What a great encouragement this is!! And what a powerful reminder to love as Jesus loved.

Such indescribable joy!!! What an indescribable God we worship!!!

I need you Lord

2009-12-13T23:53:00.004+08:00

Thank God for leading us through the service!! Though it's ironic that the audience has to guide the performer to do a great performance, but that's exactly so :) It's purely by God's grace that we were able to play in coordination, to make music (and not noise), bringing the congregation in worship.

Preparing for worship never fails to humble me before the Lord. I'll always start of with an excitement and confidence, to find myself in a panic as the deadline draws near, to a fear before practice/sunday and rejoycing at the service. Thru each experience, God reminds me again and again that He is the center of worship, that He is God and I am not, that I must learn to trust Him and focus on Him.

Focus on Him...

Ah, had a terrible evening of emotional and Spiritual trauma. A realisation that I have left God out of the equation of my life. And when things pile up, I lose the focus on the cross and my heart/soul wonders into the dark murky waters...Ah, as Sam reminded me, it is now that we need to be even more focused on the Lord!

Am commited to deliberatly set time aside for the Lord, to seek Him each day. Father, change my heart and set it right before You. May I not treat you like an ATM machine, me trying to punch the right code for Your blessings. Humble me in fear of You, knowing that You have already poured out your blessings and all You ask of me is to follow You.

Embracing uncertainty

2009-12-01T23:49:00.005+08:00

Some on asked another someone "You seem to like uncertainty"... That some one replied "No, I don't think so. I just embrace uncertainty"

I was quite amazed by the answer, words spoken by someone with great faith and wisdom! We live in a world that is everchanging and uncertainty lurks in every corner. And that irks many of us. We generally want to have some control over our lives, some certainty over things that are to come (thus all the horoscopes, predicting the future stuff). This even manifests in our prayer, where our attitude becomes that of expecting God to work things our way.

But that is definitely not God's intension. He never promised that life would be smooth sailing. Rather, we are sent like sheep into the wolf pack. There is NO certainty of our lives ahead, but only the hope we have in Christ.

"Embracing uncertainty"...Ah, what a lesson to learn

Diocese Centenary Celebration Service

2009-11-29T23:59:00.003+08:00

More than 10,000 people gathered today at Suntec City, united in one vioce and one heart in worshiping the Lord. What a joyous and glorious occation that is!! We from different parishes, from different generations, across different languages (English, Mandarin, Tamil, Thai...) all came together today under the banner of God's grace and glory, worshiping Him as one church, one diocese.

It was such a heartwarming occation to be celebrating with brothers and sisters. I was literally touched to tears throughout the service. I could almost picture Rev 7:9 around me, where people of every nation, every tongue and every tribe coming to worship and praise the Lord!

Beyond the procession, songs and dance, what touched me was the message and thoughts God has placed in my heart through the services. Indeed, it was a great encounter and fellowship with the Lord. How I pray I would seek His glory all my life, to be obedient to Him, learning to sacrifice, just as Jesus did...onto the cross! Some thoughts:

1) Crossing over as a generation. I was deeply encouraged by the presence of the youths today during the service. God has brought our diocese through 100 years, but how would the journey till the next 100yr be? The burden lies on our shoulders, the youths of this generation. Ah, but how many of us are truly willing to offer our lives to the Lord? How many of us are humble enough to allow the Spirit to work and mould? Even I am still learning to do so. It is scary to think that a church would ever come to a stop. I shudder at that thought. Yet it is a reality, if we do not start to build each other up now, to grow in Christ. Brothers and sisters, let us cross over as a generation!!!

2) "Be the best at what you do, be the penicle of your specialty" -- I remember a senior sharing. And this thought came to me once again. As I saw the community work that our Diocese has been involved in, I'm so encouraged and touched. I want to be part of it, with the skills and talents that GOd has given me, to be a blessing to others. More specifically, as I think of serving in SACH, I already see so many obstacles ahead. Was reminded that it'll indeed difficult to be employed by a ministry. Ever since Bishop Chew asked me (casually) to consider speciallising in rehab med to serve at SACH, that thought's been on my mind. But I was reminded today that I cannot be half hearted in my service. If I truly want to serve, it'll have to be the best, and nothing less. Ah, no more slacking my friend!!!

Love...

2009-11-28T23:44:00.003+08:00

Ah, love.

What a great mystery, a great beauty, a precious gift. It is like the bright sun that lights up the meadow, reveling the beautiful flowers that blossom, reflecting the crystal clear waters. It is like a song that touches the depths of your soul, stiring joy within the spirit. It unites, reconcils and rejoyces.

Yet love is more than a emotion, it is a decision! It is a decision to share and to receive, a decision to be hurt and be healed. It is an active process, a letting go of our selfish nature, to embrace others, like God has embraced us. Though it often seems too idealistic and imposible, remember that we were created in the image of God, who is love. The world may rob us of love, deceive us that there is no love, but do not be fooled! For He who is love has won the world!

Woe to the one who chooses to walk in the absence of love, where vengence lurks and sorrow stalls. What pain it is to be trapped in palms of hatred, to become the slave to the devil. I can only pray I would never hate, but be reminded and renewed by His Spirit.

God is love.

******************************

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

--- 1 Corinthians 13

******************************

Oh Lord, teach me to love.

Eugene can run!!!!

2009-11-22T23:20:00.003+08:00

At the staring line... Beautiful dawn...

It's unbelievable!!! It's amazing!!! It's a miracle!!!!

I completed my frist official run!! Though it's only 10km, it's a great achievement for the weekend runner like me. I'm so thankful that God has given me the strength and endurance to finish it...and in 1hr!!!! That's like many times faster than what I expected. Praise the Lord!!!!

Life is like running. We know the start, we know the end. But as we run, the end just seems so far, so impossible. We get fatigued and tired along the way, sometimes even to the extend of wanting to give up. But just when you are running out of energy, you see others running along, beakonning you to follow. When you are desperately thirsty, people along the road offer you a drink. You stop to walk, but with people around, you just can't stopm but keep walking. And at the end of the race, you sprint pass the finishing line to receive the prize that awaits.

Life is like running.

诗篇23篇

2009-11-15T23:01:00.002+08:00

诗篇23篇

耶和华是我的牧者、我必不至缺乏。
他使我躺卧在青草地上、领我在可安歇的水边。
他使我的灵魂苏醒、为自己的名引导我走义路。
我虽然行过死荫的幽谷、也不怕遭害．因为你与我同在．你的杖、你的竿、都安慰我。你的杖、你的竿、都安慰我。
在我敌人面前、你为我摆设筵席．
你用油膏了我的头、使我的福杯满溢。
我一生一世必有恩惠慈爱随着我．我且要住在耶和华的殿中、直到永远。

When you feel like throwing in the towel to life, when you feel that no one cares for you, when you look around and find helpless/hopelessness/pain, remember that along the journey of life, God is our provider, guidance, protector and blessing!!!! Praise to the Lord!!!

Cool neuro-opthalmic website!!!

2009-11-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

http://www.richmondeye.com/apd.asp

Thanks weizhen for the heads up!!!

The Week

2009-11-07T02:54:00.003+08:00

It has been a busy week.

Travelling to NUH everyday is no joke. Daily 1h journey at645am, it's truly tiring. Have to rely on the kopi-beng to keep awake. Still got to do this for the next 6 weeks. Sigh...But it could be cos I've been sleeping late...Why?

1. Almost every night got playhouse practice. End up reaching home by 10++pm. Though I sld not complain (cos many others have put in so much more effort and made alot more sacrifices), but still, it is tiring.

2. Got to study for ID. I like ID. It's something familiar, yet such a mystery. It's a joy reading for ID. But 2 weeks to cover so many topics is really not easy. Haha, even before the test, I've still got a few sets of unread notes...naughty boy. So have been trying to study a bit every night, but as expected, falling asleep with the guilt of not reading...haha...

Nonetheless, it has been an eventful and blessed week. Much to give thanks for:
1. Haha, Mon's lecture was one of the few lectures I managed to stay awake!!! So proud of myself . Now I know it's possible to pay attention...but oh, did I mention that I forgot that there was an 8am, lecture and tot the 1st lecture was at 930 :P Haha, careless boy. Regardless, it's a small step...and a prayer answered :)

2. It was great to be back at CF on Tue, to just join in worship and be amongst the sweet fellowship. Ah, how I miss everyone...Oh, pleasently surprised to see Stephen joining us (cos Shieng is still running the science CF...hmm...)

3. Thank God for friends who have been such a great encouragement and blessing. Though I so often feel like slacking (both in my studies and spiritual walk), friends around motivate me to keep moving on. May the Lord continue to bless you all as we continue to uphold each other!!!

4. Deeply encouraged by my classmates, for everyone who took time off to participate in our final playhouse, for sacrificing precious time and energy just to train/practice with everyone. Though things are rather messy, though we seem way behind what other batches are doing, we are still carrying on. The show must and will go on. It's the spirit that counts!!! I'm so proud to be part of Class05/10. Friends, let's do it together!!!! It doesn't matter if we win anything at all, it's the process and unity that counts.

...thankful for the opportunity to know a few of my classmates better.

But still, the busy week has taken time off my loved ones...Ah Dear, I really miss you.

Misunderstandings...

2009-11-05T08:34:00.002+08:00

From Daily bread for Doctors...

But if when you do right and suffer for it patiently, you have God's approval. 1 Peter 2:20

Ever since I was a child, nothing would cause me to lose my temper more quickly than being accused of something of which I was totally innocent. Even today I find it hard to take such misunderstandings, especially when it is the spiritual dimension of my life that is under fire.

My postgraduate training in medicine has recently involved much close contact with a senior doctor who has been observing not only my clinical ability, but many other aspect of my life, and with whom I have had hours of both academic and social discussion. He is one unbeliever who has grown to know me fairly well, and I have been literally staggered by the misconceptions he has about Christian belief that come up in our conversations.

As we have considered the old problems of euthanasia, abortion and so on, I have realised why this man initially looked at me so askance on hearing that I was a follower of Jesus Christ.

To take just one point, he had always thought that Christians were rather `anti-life' in their approach. They were so concerned with heavenly goals and aspirations that, compared with life hereafter, our three-score and ten on earth were completely overshadowed; so it didn't really matter too much what our values on human worth were like!

It was both a painful discovery to realise that I was viewed in this way, but also a useful opportunity to try to correct this man's distorted vision of Christianity. However he is only one of many thousands who do not understand us. And I have come to see that being misconstrued in this way is part of the price that all Christians have to pay for their faith, and perhaps particularly those of us who are also doctors and who thus have our reputation with our patients at stake.

We can thank God that the Lord Jesus is our brother in this, as in all other areas of life. His reputation was something that he was prepared to hold very lightly indeed as he faced the misunderstanding and ridicule of the many, in order that he might bring the truth to those who were really ready to listen.

Are we willing to follow his example or are we over concerned about what the majority of our contemporaries in medicine will inevitably think?

Further reading: 1 Pet 2:18-25. Eph 6:5-8. Col 3:22-25.

**************

What a reminder to keep our hearts focused on the Lord and not on Man/things of the earth. This article spoke to me greatly as I am one easily affected by other's view of me (yeah, me love language is words of affection). But what a great reminder that our identity is not based on what others see, but what God sees of us!!!! I serve not Man but the creator of Man. I love because God first loved. Though the road ahead maybe tough, if we focus on the Lord, fix our eyes on Him, He will lead us and keep us from straying.

Praise be to God!!!

Way to go M5!!!

2009-11-04T00:07:00.002+08:00

Many were tired, yet we persevered...

I'm so encouraged to see many of my classmates coming down to practice for playhouse despite SIP and EOPT. The unity and willingless to work together is truly amazing. Thanks everyone for coming down, for being part...of the class. May we present the best playhouse has ever seen!!!

Jia you!!!

"...不叫我们遇见试探，拯救我们脱离凶恶..."

2009-10-29T01:04:00.003+08:00

I'm truly amazed by God's grace!!!

For the past few days (and many days before), I have been struggling with the temptation of you-tube (boys and girls out there, watch it!!!). Everytime I turn on the computer, I would end up going to www.youtube.com and watch random videos. As a reuslt, I sleep late (and thus unable to concentrate in school the next day), can't finish what I had intended to do, waste alot of time that could have been used to do constructive things (like sleep or revise my work).

I've tried so hard to make "mental notes" to not type youtube, but some how, I always end up there. Reason? Oh, cos I want to listen to music while doing work (multi-tasking). Oh, just want to have some entertainment to satisfy my heart's desire...Indeed, the flesh is often so so weak. I was almost desperate last night when I watched youtube till 2am!!! I prayed that God wld give me the strength to overcome the temptation...And He did.

I'm now going on a youtube fast (other than when I have to prepare for service).

Lessons learnt:
1. God is good, and He's ever there to help us. Don't wait till it's too late.
2. Focus. Don't try to multi-task. Know what you have to do and do what you have to.
3. I'm a weakling...so don't try to make things right by my own strength. It ain't going to work.

Doctors I want to become...

2009-10-14T19:34:00.003+08:00

Going thru my surgical SIP at Tan Tock Seng Hospital, I've been blessed to meet deeply inspiring doctors I pray I would one day become. I thank God for such great tutors who have shown what being a Christian doc means.

1. Mr Terence Huey:
I'm not only amazed by his wealth of knowledge, but even more captivated by his heart for patients. Although a surgeon, Mr Huey's medical knowledge is remarkable, able to manage his patients holistically. Not only so, his compassion and humility towards everyone is a model and inspiration. He speaks truth with love, towards patients (never fail to comfort patients and alay their fears) and colleagues (when you make a mistake, expect a gentle but stern lecture from Mr Huey.)

2. Mr Lo Hong Yee:
Candid and jovial, there will never be a dull moment around Mr Lo. Every ward round with him is like going on an excursion, packed full of excitement. Working with him (and I say "with" not "under") has been a great inspiration. Everyone is part of the team, even puny SIPs like us.

3. Mr Chong Yew Lam:
Ever heard of a doc celebrating his patient's birthday, encouraging a depressed patient to live on and be an encouragement to others? Well, Mr Chong has done that and more!

...and the list goes on...

I know that I'm far from these great giants, in knowledge and amplitude. But Father, I pray that You would continue to mould and shape me to the person you want me to be! Though the road ahead will be tough, but God will be my strength.

After so long

2009-10-10T23:53:00.002+08:00

It's a wonderful night...
...
...
I know you are the one...

Let us love God before each other :)

Being focused!! Staying focused!!!

2009-10-01T20:39:00.003+08:00

The past 2 days, I've been coming home tired and congested. Tired due to the long days, with surgical ward round starting at 630am. Congested with all the new emotions and influx of thoughts stirring in my head.

I just started my surgical SIP in TTSH. Though I the week started with great anticipation, it was also with great fear that I stepped into the wards. Fear of not being able to live up to expectations (of man and God), fear of being a burden to others, fear of not being able to learn (yes, my pride and ego), fear of not being a good doc (esp after all that prep talk)...Then there's the whole getting-to-know-people stress...But God has been really gracious blessing me with great partners (Jacob and Gabriel) and a wonderful team!

Then, there's 2 nights of residency talk by NHG cluster which left us confused and even more uncertain of the future. It also revealed the painful competitiveness in the whole system which lies ahead eg. only 3 places for Emed in TTSH. Coupled with all the "which resisdency to do?" talk, about deciding our future, about thinking what I really want to do? Which route would suit me (and which I can do/get in), yea, there's really alot up there in my mind.

On my way home from TTSH, I could feel that heavy heart and trouble soul. With all the change happening around, all the chaos and flux churning within the limited cranial space, I feltso lost, frustrated and helpless. The future seemed bleak. The immediate future: Learning to survive each day in the wards and pick up important skills which will benefit my patients in the future. Realised (once again) that I'm so lousy and lost. The near future: To pass MBBS... And the future: Which route to take? What basis to work on helping me make the decision? Learning? Working? Working environment?

I'm now reading this book "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber (Sam lent me). It has challenged me to be the Man after God's heart, the Man God has designed to be. In one of the chapters, Stu shared about being focused. A Man should be focused on the tasked assgin and the mission ahead Ah!!! Eureka!!! In all the sludge of thoughts, a bright light broke thru! In the midist of all the change, how much more important it is to stay focused on the mission God has set for me and more importantly, to stay focused on Him. Why be so caught up with the whole resisdency thingy? Does it really matter what route I choose? No, it doesn't!!! As long as I look to the Lord and focus on Him, even though I don't get into any resisdency, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I may lose a few years, but God has His greater plan thru all these.

Father, teach me to focus on you and not on Man. Whatever the storm, guide me thru that I may walk on water and fly under Your eagles' wings.

The Lord's Chisel

2009-09-09T16:36:00.000+08:00

Oh Lord, chisel me, for I am Your original masterpiece. I am created in Your image! Oh Lord, make me Yours, this day and forever more.

I'm a paracetamol addict :(

2009-08-16T11:55:00.000+08:00

D4 of my viral fever.

I've taken a total of 32 tablets of paracetamol and still counting. Every 6 hours, I would have to pop 2 500mg of paracetamol cos the fever spikes then (as the previous paracet effect wears off) and I go into chills and great discomfort.

Arg, these 4 days has seen the near complete manifestation of my viral episode including fever, sore throat, running nose, productive cough, myalgia, arthralgia, lethargy, diarrhoea...

Sigh, what a time to fall sick. There's so many things that have to be done in the next few days, but now, I doubt I can do any of them :( sob sob...Oh well, it's God's will i guess :)

H1N1...

2009-08-11T00:35:00.001+08:00

Let's aim to keep Singapore clean and green ya :P

Happy Birthday Singapore!!!!

2009-08-09T17:32:00.001+08:00

My greatest dream for Singapore is that all Singaporeans would live in harmony, each contributing in his own small way to build a nation of love and compassion, a country of passion and vision,, that becomes a blessing to others.

Happy Birthday Singapore!!! Love you always!!!

Always a proud Singaporean!!!

Lost and found...again!!!

2009-08-06T21:42:00.000+08:00

It's a miracle!!!!

I'm sure and certain that I checked that corner of my bag...and many other corners. Felt lost and utterly disappointed for losing something so beloved. I had "lost" it once, just a few weeks ago and it mirculously reappeared. I was hoping for another mircle. But I remember the words of C.S. Lewis, "Do not expect God to work the same way twice". Nonethless, I prayed...

It's been lost for a week. Hope thinned...I begin to accept the loss and wonder how I sld explain to the giver of the gift.

Yet God did another miracle again today. As I was gropping around my bag for something else during lecture, I felt it!! I almost could not believe my hands. It must have been an illusion. But with a doubtful yet hopeful heart, I took out the object that just sent shocks of electricity through my finger tips. My eyes came face to face with the shiny silvery gem. It is real!!!

Thank you Father!! Though I did not deserve it, You have blessed me and guided me. Thank you so much!! I shall protect it carefully and not lose it again.

Wedding cards aglore

2009-08-03T02:24:00.000+08:00

Wow, this is the month of weddings, one every week. Weddings are such a happy occation and so here are some cards specially made for the couple, a little blessing from me and my family.

24 Jul 2009
Caifeng and ZiQiang --- I'm so sorry I could not turn up for the wedding :( had night call.
[pic]

1 Aug 2009
Andrew and XiaoYao --- unbelievable you're finally married!! It'll be really interesting to hear your side of the story after marriage :)
[pic]

8 Aug 2009
Stephen and WeiShieng --- finally married!!!
[card in the making]

CTSP re post SIP r/v

2009-07-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

4 weeks just passed like that. To think that 4 weeks ago I was still staring at the computer screen wondering if I wld survive SIP...And now, SIP comes to a beautiful closure.

Ptn returned from SIP s/p wonderful dinner with Daphne and Terance (both excellent HO in their own way). Ptn desaturated and went into PEA during the procedure and was given 2units of God's strength. Ptn was resusitated and returned to NSR. SpO2 maintained at 100% by God's grace

Indeed, there were so many depressing moments over the past weeks when I felt so lousy, so uncapable. My poor presenting skills, my poor skill in procedure, my inefficiency, my inability to remember ptn's details...How can I be that competent, compassionate, Christian doc??? I'll probably be a bane to the medical community, a danger to the society. When such tots hit, I feel so helpless and trapped. "Why not just quit? Just give it up?" Escape seems like the answer, but God definitely has other plans. When I desaturated, He resusitated me! He is my provider and ever present strength!

H: S1S2, regular
L: Clear, no wheeze/creps
A: Soft NT BS+

I would really miss typing these, to be charting the daily parameters, to be following up with my patients, to be directly involved in their management, to be rounding with Daphne and my team...the ability to make a real difference, the responsibilty of caring for another, though it may have been stressful, it has brought me out of my comfort zone, to realise my gap in knowledge and there's so much I need to catch up.

Thank you all for making SIP such a great experience. To all the nurses of ward 45 (and other wards I've been to during my night calls) you have been such a great help and blessing to us as doc and to the ptn. With such good nurses and beautiful teamwork, ptn really benefit and receive good care. To my seniors, thanks for being patient with me and guiding me along the way. I hope I'll be the helpful HO one day you can trust and not the one ppl throw lots to work with.

Post procedure plans:
1. To study harder for MBBS x 212/7
2. To continue to pray and trust in the Lord x forever

Happy Birthday Eugene :)

2009-07-15T23:28:00.003+08:00

23 years
276 months
8280 days
198,720 hours
11,923,200 mins
715,392,000 seconds...

Yes, it's my birthday, the day I was brought into this world, the day I took my first breath and added an extra sound to the symphony around me. It is a day of celebration and a day of thanksgiving.

Ever since that moment, God's blessings never left me. He gave me life and a chance to live. He gave me my parents and family who have been so loving, caring for me and showing me the way the live. They have never left me, always there when I needed them. He gave me friends, who have been such great support and encouragement along the 23 years. He guided me through the many thick and thin of live, through each failure and every success. He gave me the strength to stand strong through rain, to smile at every thunder storm...

"Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be"

God has been so faithful this 23 years. And I'm sure He will carry me through, to be closer to who He wants me to be. Though the road be tough and the journey be rough, He wil bring me through the fire, to be purified and refined.

Thank you Father, for the greatest birthday gift --- knowing You!!!

SubQ injection

2009-07-04T06:52:00.002+08:00

Was called to help someone with subQ injection. Found this very cool website.

Faith and humility

2009-06-27T00:29:00.002+08:00

"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11
Indeed, God's word never reuturns to Him void. I was just listenning to the audio reading of Matthew 5-7 along my way to NUS and th Lord spoke so powerfully to me on 2 important lessons, faith and humility.

Humility:
Mat 6:1 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' in front of others, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

Mat 6:5 "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.

Mat 6:16 "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.

Mat 6: 19 - 21 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. So often, when I honestly reflect upon my actions, they were meant to be a display to the people around me. "To be blameless before God and Man" I rmb...But pleasing , getting attension and receiving praises becomes the main motivation to do "good". Pleasing God became secondary, but pleasing an first. Ah, and to think I always rmb the verse Col 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The treasures stored in heaven are too difficut to be seen, it's easier to see the rewards on earth. And anyway, that's not too un-biblical, to see the smiling faces of people's approval and to hear the sweet praises. But that is not where the treasures should be stored. For my heart should be on what pleases the Lord, and not Man. My heart should be on that which is eternal and not that which will be destroyed.

Oh Lord, help me be humble.

Faith:
Mat 8:1-3 When Jesus came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. 2 A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.

Mat 8:13 Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that very hour.

Mat 8:26 He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

Mat 9:22 Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

Mat 9:29-30 Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith let it be done to you"; and their sight was restored.

A mixture of the faithful and the faithless. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb 11:1). Our faith lies in the hope of our Lord Jesus Christ, that He can save and He can heal, that He has authority over all heaven and earth, that He is the Son of Man. Faith can move the mountains, faith can do the impossible, not by our own efforts but by His grace!

Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.

As log as we come before God in faith and humilty, He is willing to save us. Why hold back away from Him? Why rely on our own strengths which is limited How long will we be like the faithless? God is calling me to have faith, take courage and fight the war for Him!!! For He has already won the victory and I'm just claiming the harvest for Him.

Praise be to God!!!

The race begins!!!

2009-06-23T00:20:00.002+08:00

Ah, M5 finally begins...My heart is filled with fear and excitement.

Fear: for the many things that I'm expected to be good but still very lousy eg presenting history, p/e; for the heap of knowledge/skills I have to know well before graduating; for the know hecticness and stress that is to come, and how I will cope.

But last week's sermon by Rev Ee was a great encouragement. On Gideon's faith in God and humilty to obey which helped him overcome his fears. God puts us thru tests/trials/challenges/failures so that we will be refined by them and become more and more in His image. The more we fear (and thus run away), the more God will put us in that situation, just as He did with Jonah. So since God has brought me on this journey, there is no escape. I'll face the fears, with God's grace.

Father Lord, I do not pray for an easy going year ahead, but rather, a year of good training/discipline and learning. Father, I know things will get tough and will only get tougher, Lord I pray that you increase my faith in You, to rely on Your strength and not mine. Father, teach me to always be humble, to trust and obey, to learn from others. In times of despair, Lord, send forth comfort and strength. I'm Yours, use me.

Life is like cycling

2009-06-14T22:58:00.002+08:00

Ah, ever since my first fateful lesson in cycling, I've realised the parallels between cycling and life:

1) The cornerstone of cycling is to balance...It too is the hardest step :( Life too is all about living in the balance. Be it our diet, our attitudes in work, relationships...it's all about finding the balance.

2) In cycling straight, you have to be in constant adjustment, making micro left/right turns. So is it with life. While we travel a straight path towards our goals in life, there is no simple and straight road. We often fall to the left and right, and to travel in a straight line requires us to be constantly aware of ourselves and make the micro changes.

3) The art of cycling through obstacles is to look far ahead. Many times, when I look at the nearing obstacles (eg road blocks, cars, pillars of narrow walkways), the chances of me hitting them is so much higher than if I just focused straight ahead eg the person in front of me. This is so in life. If we look at the obstacles at hand, we would often tremble in fear and thus not pass it. But if we looked ahead, focusing on our ultimate goal, we would move straight on...For me, I focus on God!!!

4) As I cycle, I pray all the time!!! This is so with life...PRAY!!!

Thanks guys for the great night cycling experience. Won't have been able to do it without you guys. Thanks for the patience, support and encouragement.

Discipline...begins today!!

2009-06-04T02:32:00.003+08:00

Dear Lord,

As a hectic year begins, at the starting point of this final lap, I want to commit myself into Your hands before I get washed away by the storm or get stuck in the sinking sand.

A Christian senior doc (when sharing about HO life) once reminded me that we should start doing what we want ourselves to be, and not wait till we are caught in the busyness of things. And so Father, I want to commit myself to the following things, to actively and intentionally set aside the time to work on them:
1) Prayer ---A constant reliance on Your strength, a constant reminder of Your providance.
2) Excercise --- To keep this temple healthy so that I may serve others.
3) Sleep --- To maintain a proper sleep cycle, best sleep before 12am.
4) Family --- To spend time, even if short, with the precious gift You have given.

Oh Lord, help me keep these commitments to You. To start during this 2 week "self-study". Amen.

Just for fun/revision

2009-05-31T23:22:00.002+08:00

Swan neck deformity caused by the weaking of the volar plate (supportive ligament in front of the PIP joint that normally keeps the PIP joint from hyperextending) and as a result, the PIPJ goes into hyperextension due to the strength of the extensor tendons (from the extensor digitorium). The extensor tendon gets out of balance, which allows the DIP joint to get pulled downward into flexion.

Mallet finger is where there is injury to the extensor tenden thus the DIPJ goes into flexion, by the unopposed action of the DIPJ.

Congratulations Vincent & Emily!!!

2009-05-30T20:46:00.003+08:00

We welcome Mr and Mrs Vincent Lim :P

Congratulations Emily!!! You look really pretty today. I'm very touched by the bond between you and Vincent. Indeed as 2 become one, I pray that the Lord will continue to mould you (the 2-in-1) more in His likeness, keep you forever in His love and bless you with great joy.

Haha...Can't believe it eh. My counsellee is married!!!! Oh, hope you like the simple card.

宁静谷

2009-05-28T01:13:00.002+08:00

在我心灵深处, 有一座宁静谷

我和我亲爱的主在其中安然漫步.

生活中的仓促, 生命里的难处

只愿向祂来倾诉, 平安祝福在这谷.

Chorus: 我与我, 主相约之处

倘佯这份宁静安详, 就像是在天堂

我与我主，相约之处

主领我过死荫幽谷

使我喜乐走人生路.

Bridge: 喜乐平安充满我心

Life in an oncology ward

2009-05-25T21:11:00.002+08:00

To some, this may sound like an oxymoron...Oncology = cancer = death

Well, you're not too wrong to say that Death is a frequent (or permanent as my tutor wld say) visitor in the onco ward. Everyday, some one passes on, sometimes gradual, sometimes sudden. In my short stay in oncology, I've personally witnessed 3 deaths (our MO has seen 7 in 10 days).

With such situations, the ward may seem like a graveyard of sorrow. Every moment, there are terminally ill patients who are frustrated with their condition, depressed with their illness and helplessly struggling to live each day. Not forgetting the family members and friends who walk them thru this final journey, their pain, helplessness and grief...

That was what I tot too...

But Dr Simon Ong thinks otherwise. Death does not simply bring grief, but more often hope and peace. With death lurking around, we are taught to treasure life and learn how to live. When one knows that his time is short, he should live life doubly hard and not give up on life. Indeed, in understanding death, we learn to live, learn to appreciate the beauty around us and to count our blessings. In death, there is hope!!!

And even more so for those serving in the onco ward, the nurses/ward assistants/medical student/doctors. Our interaction with these patients are so short and often unexpectedly terminated. Dr Ong suggest that if every healthcare worker can spend just 3min bringing a simple joy to a patient, think of how much we can bless our patients!!! And so often, as we see how our patients live their final moments, we are reminded of the fragility of life and too learn to treasure the blessings around us.

No man can know when another dies, not even with statistics show xxx% has a 5 year survival rate. But knowing that our time is short, we should not spend it drowning in dispair and sorrow, but rather be spurred on to live life to its fullest.

That is life in an oncology ward!!!

Ah...onco...

Consequences...

2009-05-25T01:27:00.005+08:00

Action = consequence.

This is an equation no one can escape. No matter how small the incident, no matter how ancient the event, a farmer reaps what he sows and that's how God created the world.

I made a grave mistake years ago. Many mistakes along the way... ... and now I finally reap the "harvest". How do I face this guilt, shock and despair...I cannot run away anymore. I have to face it all. Yet, I tremble at the fear...the fear of making the same mistake...one that cannot be resolved.

I wish the Dot theroy wld come true, so I know the exact thing to do so won't be any mistake. Yet I know, in God sorverign will, He has called us to trust and obey, to work towards His moral will, of righteous living and Spiritual understanding.

Father, how can i make up for my mistakes. Give me the courage and wisdom to face it...

... ...

Dear friend...I'm sorry.

Meeting up again

2009-05-20T23:45:00.003+08:00

After so long, we finally met up again. And surprises of surprises, JING KAI came!!! Haha, haven't seen for ages. Good to just be in the company of friends that have journeyed thru life for so long. May our friendship last till the Lord's time.

I can cycle!!!

2009-05-08T23:06:00.001+08:00

Today marks a new milestone in my life...

I CAN CYCLE!!!!

Thanks to my friends for patiently teaching and guiding me all the way. All credit goes to you :P

PS Happy birthday Kiat and Sengkiong!!!

Thank you!!!

2009-04-03T05:47:00.028+08:00

Cards aglore!!!! All handmade by yours sincerely :) With help from Fang and inspired by God!!

For Dr Philip and Dr Anna ---> Great teachers, loving couple, caring docs. An inspiration!!! Thank you so much for sharing with us your life and encouraging us to serve the Lord.

For Harish ---> A wonderful brother who showed us much hospitality and welcomed us into his family though we were still strangers. Ah, we will miss Akansha and Kitu. May the Lord cont'd to bless Harish and his family, providing for his needs and giving him the strength to face life's challenges!

For Dr Tashi ---> Thanks for breaking the ice on the first day, openning up to us. Miss you :)

For Dr Deepa ---> Hehe...Bourneville!!! I will nvr forget the Bourneville scene. Ah, miss the nights up chatting and sharing our lives. Thanks for taking care of us, making us feel at home. May the Lord cont'd to guide you and give you joy in whatever you pursue in the future.

For Grant and Charlene ---> The first friends we have made at Manali. It was indeed such a great blessing to have known a great couple as you. I'm deeply encouraged by your love for the Lord, may He cont'd to pave the way for you and guide you in all u do.

For Dr Ritu ---> The only gynaecologist in the whole of Kullu District :P And without doubt, the best!!! We'll miss all the OPD and OT sessions with you. Say hi to your son for me.

For Dr Susan ---> Our "grandmother". Great cook, caring doctor and proud Kasi.

For Vinay n Hersh ---> Yoz!!! Manali would not have been so exciting without you :) Hope you would have a great time in Kuwait. Must stay in touch eh. Mdm Hersh, hope I didn't disappoint you...haha...that's the only Hindi word I know how to write by memory.

For Dr Jacob ---> Never judge Dr Jacob from his looks. He is a very nice and fun-loving guy :)

Leaving Manali...with heavy hearts

2009-04-03T05:44:00.004+08:00

Ah, in less than 24h, I'll be on the bus towards Delhi, out of Manali. Even as I pack my bag, I'm still in the state of unbelieve/denial that I'll be leaving this wonderful place, a community which I have grown to love and feel belonged. As reality sinks in, the beautiful memories of the past 4 weeks become a sweet dream and precious memory that I pray I'll never forget.

I always thought 4 weeks was long, but being here, 4 weeks seemed like a fleeting moment. I could still recall the day I set foot in Manali, being lost in the "big" town which I'm now all too familiar. The sights and sounds, of majestic snow-capped mountains that surround, of crazy kids who play basketball at 6am (when the sun is already bright), of students in the nearby schools running about, of the busy Mall street, of the grocer where we get our fruits and vegtables, of No.10, our favourite and trusted "supermarket", of Delhi Chat, of the chemist...Ah, all these are now part of the photo collection and my memory. Manali, I'm so going to miss you.

This week was spent largely having dinner with people for the last time. Monday, was at Harish's place (oh he made the nicest chocolate cake). Tue, with Vinay/Hersh/Poonum (1) to do some shopping for souviners [I bought bout 38 key chains :P] (2) to some ulu but attas restaurtant for dinner, but had a great time looking at starts. Wed with Dr Philip/Dr Anna/Grant/Charlene for dinner and sharing. Today, Dr Ritu invited us for homecooked chicken branyi, delicious! Indeed, it's the people here at Manali that I'll miss the most. Everyone has been so welcoming and kind towards us from day 1. Even though we were strangers, we were treated like close friends. Thank God for all these wonderful people he has blessed us. I'll miss everyone of you.

I'll also miss this precious time I've spent with Yingxian. This brother who has been such an encouragement to me, always challenging me to face some of the most difficult things in my life (which I often run away from) and helping me see my own weaknesses. Though our discussions often end up with me backing out or admitting loss (cos I really can't argue with him and it often becomes so draining on me) followed by a personally imposed cold turkey, I really appreciate my brother being so honest with me and tolerating me. Ah xian, I pray that the friendship that we share wld be one where iron rubs iron, so that we may be polished into God's perfect image. Forgive me for the many times I've disappointed/upseted u.

Ah, went for a Indian style haircut today! It wasn't anything special, except for the head massage. Oh man, I was sure I'll get an SAH or even lose some teeth. But it was quite an experience, and fear that the barber wld ruin my already not so good hair. But it turned out quite ok, I hope. Haha, the barber, knowing we were from Missions hospital wanted us to give him some tablets for some "urine prob". However, our limited Hindi coupled with him shy in telling us everything made it hard to even make a diagnosis and so we just encouraged him to come to the hospital tmr. I wonder if he wld though.

It's rainning heavily outside now. I'm packed, just a few more last min stuff to put in. Ah, am I really leaving this beacutiful place? The more I ask, the more the reality strikes.

SNOW!!!!

2009-03-28T01:03:00.004+08:00

It's yet another day of excitement. After such a long wait, I've finally seen SNOW!!! I know I sound like sua gu, but OH MY GOODNESS, it's SNOW!!!! Haha!!! The snow was actually unexpected. Vinay brought us to Rothang Pass, the second highest motorway in the world (13000 feet) and also a tourist attraction. Being so high, the entire mountain was already covered beautifully in clean white snow, but the sky was clear and sunny (my sunglasses came to good use).Then suddenly, it rained...or so I thought. And soon, I realised that my jacket was covered in white flakes and I knew this was for real...It's SNOWING!!!

Haha, now I can finally understand what dagu meant when she walked in the snow when she was in England. Snow is really slippery. Thank God for the good pair of trekking shoes. We had great fun making snowman, having snowball fights and just enjoying it. Wasn't daring to do wat Ben did when he was in Swiss, lie down and make angel, cos there were many animals ard, and I realised that the snow may not be as clean as I imagine. Plus snow here is really wet and sticky.

Oh, did I mention that snow is really COLD!!! Didn't expect it to be that cold. Nearly got frostbite of of making the snowman and all the snowball fights :P

Left to right: Xian, Vinay's bro, Vinay, Dr Jacob, Me

Ah, I'm really beginning to find home here in Manali. Honestly, I don't feel like leaving. Have just got to settle into the lifestyle eg I know here to get the cheapest and nicest chai, get my groceries, wash my clothes etc. Plus, have built really great relationships with so many ppl that I'm feeling part of the community here already. It's really sad that I'll be leaving in less than 7days and I'm sure I'll miss the place. Well, if God willing, I'll come back...and even bring my family on a holiday!!!

Ah, wild dreams :P But really thank God for blessing us for the past weeks. Everything has been going so smoothly (except that I just lost one of my rechargable batt, so sad, must have dropped out of my pocket or sth), we've had so many ppl blessing us along the way, giving us precious advice and guidance. God has kept us safe and healthy, despite all the bad stories of India. Praise the Lord!!!

Faith in danger...trusting God

2009-03-26T01:38:00.002+08:00

I just came back from Jibhi. It's one of the community outreach clinic outpost that the hospital has set up to serve the people who can't afford to come to the hospital. For the past 3 days at this outpost, I've been through dangerous moments and experienced God's faithfulness! We trekked for hours at 10.800 feet above sea level, through steep and treacherous mountain roads. When the sun set, we trekked in complete darkness, our path illuminated by only a dim light from the torchlight. It was extremely dangerous as it was snowing in the mountains and the road was slippery. If we missed a step, we would literally plunge down the cliff. I was tired, hungry and cold. During the trek, there were moments that I slipped and could feel no solid ground where my foot slipped. But thankfully, we had an amazing guide who was always there to hold onto us when we fell.

As we groped in the darkness, I was reminded of the verse "Your word is a lamp before my feet and a light to my path". Indeed, the ray of light from my torch shone the immediate path before me. I could not see the left or right to me, just the path ahead. Yet I knew, if I took a step to the sides, it would be certain death.

This is life. As we journey in the darkness of the fallen world, God's word shines the immediate path before us, and not beyond. We do not know how long more the journey may take, but know that there is goal and all we need is to faithfully follow the light. Yet, we are often tempted to fall to the left or right, consciously or not. But we have a faithful Father who promised never to leave us or forsake us. He will hold our hand when we fall aas long as we trust Him!!

This short trek in the Himalayan range has made me realise the truth behind such Christian clique. It's been a precious experience that God has allowed me to learn. Praise the Lord!

Water fun!!!

2009-03-16T00:30:00.001+08:00

The past few days have been exciting!!! Sat afternoon we had to cook for Vinay and I was rather stressed and apprehensive. I hardly cook and all my cooking experience were from sec1 n 2 home econs + occasional training here and there from dagu/ergu/grandma/mummy. But thank God the lunch turned out fantastic!! We cooked potato soup (using the chicken bone, which was sth new to the Indians), fried rice, vege dish (peas/carrot/chicken) and chocolate fondue (the highlight of the day!!). Everything was based on theory, but thank God all went well (just tat we took bout 3h to prepare all that :P )

Yesterday, me and Yingxian went for an unexpected wide water rafting trip. Vinay n Hersh was going down to another city for some family event and decided to bring us along. Halfway, (that city, Kullu was bout more that 50km from the hospital), he randomly suggested we go rafting, (the main road ran alongside the main river which has alot of rapids) and we randomly agreed, thinking that he was planning to bring us another time. Little did we know, he suddenly stopped the car, called a friend (who owned a rafting shop) and then, we were into the water!! But it was a truly exciting experience, riding thru the fast rapids and fighting occasional powerful waves. Other than the adventure, the scene along the river was beautiful, many of which can only been seen from the river. It was indeed worthwhile. Thank God for such a precious opportunity.

However, all our clothes that we wore were soaked, including my waterproof trekking shoes :( So I'll be spending the rest of my time today cleaning and washing my clothes. My jeans are glittering with sand. Washed our shoes yesterday liao, thanks to Xian.

Time passes really fast here. Can't believe it's already into my second week here. The US team and the other Canadian student left last Sunday, so the campus is now rather quiet. As they left, I oso felt a little homesick, but am ok now :)

Day 3 in Manali

2009-03-11T23:33:00.000+08:00

I've been very good!! Just had dinner in a great Tibetian restaurant, complements of the nice anesthetist and his wife. Really thank God for blessing us with many nice and friendly people along the way. They have been so helpful and kind to us. It's been such a blessing.

So far, life has been very relaxed here. Every Tue and Thu are operating days and we get to assist in the operation. Mon, Wed and Fridays are outpatient clinic days and we get to sit beside the doctors and join in the consultation process. But language is a great barrier, yet thank God once again that the docs are willing to spend time to translate for us. Am learning a few Hindi words here and there. Yesterday, I had a chance to do a spinal anesthesia (ie stick a needle into the spinal cord and inject anesthetic), something that in SG I'll only be able to watch. (Poor patient thou :P ) The docs here are really patient in teaching and guiding us. We're learning alot, but also feeling so inadequate. There's so much I need to know but still lacking...ah, that's why we are students eh...It does scare me a little to think that I'll be a doc in a year's time...God's grace I guess...

I've been taking care of myself, wearing lots, taking my vit regularly, avoiding anything that looks suspicious, trying to drink lots of water, sleeping earlier. But I've been getting a little adventurous lately. We are shifting from eating at the safe but boring hospital mass (which serves dal and rice/chapathi for every meal) to exploring food from outside (which is what everybody else does). We've tried the bakery, the fresh fruits (which we wash in KMnO4), and some indian sweets. Occasionally, nice people wld bring us out for treats and I feel really bad cos they always don't accept our money...

Blessings after blessings. Giving thanks to God!!!

Greetings from Manali!!!

2009-03-08T23:07:00.000+08:00

Dear friends whom I have not managed to email, greetings from the beautiful and freezing cool Manali :) Hehe, was only just reminded that I've got a blog where I can tell ya all bout the excitement here in India

It's been such an exciting journey!!! Me and Xian arrived at Chennai airport (after a rather bearable budget flight) to be surprised by the barren airport. But thank God that was only the international airport. The domestic airport was very homely and cosy. We had a good cheap supper of snapple n puffs. Then YingXian took his really cool camara (DSLR) and we attracted alot of strangers who came to talk to us. And so we made a few really nice Indian friends who were mostly photography enthus. So we talked from photo to camera to life in Singapore and India.

Then the flight from Chennai to Delhi on Jet airways was superb. It is really as good as SQ!!! The food was excellent and the service was great. We totally enjoyed the flight :) Then landing at Delhi airport was another adventure. We were stuck with the decision whether or not to check into a hotel to dump our heavy luggage or go straight to the bus place to get a bus. Then we decided that it'll be too expansive to get a hotel (cos all the hotels near the bus place was the 5 star ones). So we got the pre-paid cab to take us to the bus place (which was another blessing cos we went to the tourism counter for help and they really did + try to convince us to buy their service).

So we took the cab, who, by God's was a very responsible one. He didn't know the place but went the extra mile to help us find it. He could have just dropped us off anywhere. So by God's grace, we found the bus company in a lonely quiet corner of a building. We got our tix and MORE. Yes, another blessing, the person there upon us asking bout touring Manali, drew us a map, from how to get to the hospital to all the nice places to visit, all in detail. What's a greater blessing was that we were able to leave our bags with him in the office. Thank God!!! We didn't have to lug our heavy bags with us :)

So we went to explore the streets of Delhi. Cut short all the detail (we had lunch in Macs :) ate this big mac but instead of beef, it was something like otah chicken. Quite nice). Here, we had been "cheated". But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise :) God's really good and YingXian is really street smart :) Thank God for him. Anyway, I found this Medical bookstore that sells original medical books at much less than in Singapore, like 60-80% cheaper. I bought on S$50 book at S$10 after conversion.

The 16h bus ride wasn't that bad either, better than the budget air journey. Had our first off-the-Indian-street meal of butter toast and hot "chai" (which is sweet spice Indian tea). In the cold morning of 5am, it was very welcoming and delicious. The sun only lit up the land bout 7am and then we were awed by the great beauty which surrounded us. Manali is REALLY beautiful. Peaceful clear waters, majestic mountains, white stones, beautiful trees...All creation truly testifies how great the Creator is!!! Wish you were all here to enjoy what my eyes have witnessed :)

We found the hospital without much difficulty. The locals seem to hold the hospital with great respect. Cos when we asked for directions, ppl were so willing to direct us the fastest way instead of taut us. Really thankful for that. We managed to catch the Sunday service. Once again, I was surrounded by such a crowd of witness. Indeed, how amazing it is to be amongst people worshipping the Lord from different nations and tribes. All praise and glory be to Him!!!

Oh did I mention that it was really supposed to be snowing here in Manali!! According to the locals, this year is weird cos there is no snow, but it's still cold. Thank God for Dagu's jacket and Dad's weisheng yi. Thanks Joyce for helping me get it. But it's really nice weather, not so humid. Almost like being in a natural air con room.

Oh, we met this US couple who are missionaries serving here. A group of US students from their church back home were here to join them in a 1 week missions trip too. So they brought us out for a superb Indian lunch and even let us join their trekking trip. This was a great great blessing!!! We could not have dared or known the trekking route, but now we were able to go with a group of 10 who were quite experienced trekkers along a beautiful, yet-to-be-destroyed-by-tourist route. It was really God's blessing!!! And the trek while tiring and even dangerous (according to the guy, who is serving in the hospital as a paramedic, said that a British girl fell off the cliff and was sent to the hospital via helicopter) was indeed gorgeous. Yingxian has taken many nice photos, so wait for him to upload them. Oh yes, thank God for the trekking shoes, saved my life quite a lot today :) Money well invested.

So far, we have really been holidaying and under such comfortable conditions. Tmr, our actual medical work starts. I'm a little reluctant to start work, but yet excited bout the work to come. We've been treated so well by the locals and staff in the hospital we feel a little bad. Xian says we're only medical students yet we're treated like kings (even got another student from Canada help us to borrow heater, which was really out of her way). I'm sure that the rest of the month here will be exciting and fun!!!

I'm leaving on...a Tiger plane...

2009-02-24T00:18:00.003+08:00

Boy oh boy oh boy...I can't believe it!!!!

I'll be leaving for India in less than 2 weeks!!!

I'm so so so excited. And the excitement builds as I start to pack and prepare stuff.

Look at how time flies. I've already done 3 weeks of Emergency Medicine @ SGH and it seems only yesterday the fun started. I'm loving the place more and more each day...The team work, the cosiness, the "freedom", the autonomy, the excitement...Sigh, I'll really miss the place.

The tot of doing E.Med (esp @ SGH) is already taking root, but many friends have given their words of caution. Thank God for them, for if I rush to follow my now fiery passion, I might close up other options and even live to regret the choice. Another reminder from God not to rush into things hastily, but wait patiently upon Him.

Anyway, for you lovely friends out there, I'll be flying on Friday 6 Mar 09 at 2115h. Will be flying Tiger Airways (yes, it's budget to the horror of my parents n aunts) which leaves from the Budget Terminal (a new life experience)...Sld be there bout 7-8pm, so you can come send me off :)

Here's a online tag to track the weather of where I'm going...at the moment, it looks like I'll be "enjoying" some snow in Manali...brrr....


Plan your trip Local Radar Detailed Forecast

Happy 牛Year!!!!

2009-01-27T00:03:00.002+08:00

祝愿大家新春蒙恩，合家平安。在牛年里万事顺利，主恩永随。

Finding God again...

2009-01-15T13:33:00.002+08:00

2 precious lessons learnt during VCF BS:

1) We have often reduced God to a means rather than the ends.

2) What does it mean to be holy and set apart? Is it just to do QT, go to church, make confessions? Are these becoming our own rituals to attain holiness (like the Pharisee)? When God set apart Isreal and made them holy, he didn't intend it for the benefit of the Isrealites. Rather, it was for the benefit of those around, that when they see Isreal, they would also see God. That's what being holy menat

Ah...indeed...I have been mistaken for so long. Change my heart O Lord!!

Happy 2009!!!!

2009-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

There are so many people whom I want to thank, for being part of my life, for telling me what's right and wrong, for pulling me back when I fall off track, for making me who I am, for sharing the tears and joy with me along this journey...

You know who you are.

Even though it may not be the biggest or greatest thing you have done. To me, it's the most wonderful gift God has given to me through you...

To my beloved family and friends:

HAPPY 2009!!!!!

May the Lord guide you and keep you. May the year ahead be full of joy and blessings from our Lord!!!

Haste is dangerous!!!

2008-12-29T01:52:00.003+08:00

It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way. --- Pro 19:2

It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows. --- Pro 20:25

The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty. --- Pro 21:5

Through my quiet time these days, as I read the book of Proverbs, God has taught me the danger of haste...It comes at an expectedly apt time as I realised how hasty I can be, in my making decisions and conversations. I have been praying for wisdom, and God directed me to the center of it...Stop! Think! Pray!!!

Oh Lord, give me the wisdom to think before I speak and pray before I act. May I continue to seek wisdom in You.

Reality Check.

2008-12-23T02:58:00.003+08:00

1. Not all Christians behave like they should. It hurts to see the "strong" ones fall into the temptation of the world and even more painful to see them leave the faith. And you wonder...wld you be next

2. The perfect thing you hold dear to may be a covering to many pains beneath...and when the covering peels, it is shocking and stunning to even glimpse what lies within...

3. I am not who I am...where I think I am strong is where I will fall. Life then becomes a painful struggle, cos then there is nothing that I am strong in...

4. It's 22 days to Patho Pros...

... ...

Reality Check. Despite the worst of it all, God is faithful and He never changes!!! Amen!!!

A medical student's prayer...

2008-12-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

I'll be having my long case tmr. Still have loads I haven't studied, and loads that I've studied yet can't seem to remember...But Father, in all things, I want to give thanks. Thank You for leading me thru this wonderful posting, one blessed with great tutors, friendly patients and a gd chance to consolidate things I've learnt.

Lord, I commit the exam tmr into your hands. I ask that you grant my examiners wisdom to judge and evaluate me fairly, that I will have attained the standards I sld.

Father, I pray that you calm my heart and grant me a clarity of mind, to be able to take a focused and thorough history, think on the spot, recall what I've learnt and consolidate my thoughts. Grant me wisdom to speak, for I know I'm especially weak in presenting.

I thank you for the peace that you give that transcends all understanding. Keep my friends in your hands too oh Lord.

Good night Father. Amen!!

Life...

2008-12-09T00:28:00.003+08:00

Just received news of a friend's sudden passing. Dr David Ho, a friend and senior, has been called home to be with the Lord.

This sudden and shocking news comes as a reminder that death lurks near, and does still have power over us. But we take comfort in the knowledge and confidence that Christ has won victory over death. Christ has broken the chains of death and set us free. By this faith, we know that David is in the arms of our Father, enjoying His pressence with the heavenly host.

We mourn for the passing of a friend, but take comfort that we will join him one day in heaven. May the Lord continue to strengthen and comfort his family in the tough times.

****************

Life is really so short and full of uncertainty. We often want to have control over our life, but the reality is, we can't. And in trying to "be in control", we become miserable and frustrated with life. Life becomes a chasing after the wind, a never ending toil.

"Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless. What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?" Ecclesiastes 1:2-3

But Christ promised that He came to earth to give us life, and that we may live life to the fullest...

Vincent's wedding...

2008-12-07T21:56:00.007+08:00

It's a blessing to be at Vincent and Phyllis wedding. Such a touching scene, Vincent and Phyllis exchange their wedding vows under the witness of God and man, walking down the aisle as they begin a new chapter in their live, thanking all the impt ppl who have made an impact to their lives...

Congratulations Vincent!!! May the Lord be the head of your household as you and your family worship Him. May you (2 of you becomes one now) continue to grow closer to God.

Poor student like me can't afford expasive gifts, but made a little card as a gift to Vincent on behalf of my beloved (and dearly missed) Phirox team mates...Took a painstaking 6h making it (first time la)...It may not be fantastic, but it's our blessing to Mr and Mrs Vincent Lim!!

Fig 1 Front of handmade card!! (verse = Mark 10:7 )

Fig 2 Inside of card. Photo taken at Island Creamery, pre trip. Rach, don't worry, I added your msg in :) (verse = 1 Cor 13:4-8)

Fig 3. Back of handmade card. The best pic of us :) PhiROX!!!! Photo: Us at Bagiuo

*In making cards, I remember...*

Turn my eyes to you O Lord!!!

2008-11-30T04:29:00.002+08:00

So many things has happened recently...As I'm being challenged to question what evangelism means, and in light of a hurting friend, another in grief, God has brought me through many a painful lesson.

God has been so merciful, to pick this wretched soul, this useless mud pile to mould it into a pottery worthy for His use. I've been so caught up with myself, trying to find my own answer to questions of life, trying to sort things out my own way. But the answer has been staring at me for so long, just that I simply refuse to turn to it.

Like the authour of Ecc, I've been chasing after the wind. My life purpose was no longer founded on the Rock, but on the sandy ground of guilt/resentment/fear/ materialism/meeting other's expectations "And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecclesiastes 4:4 That's exactly what I have been!!!

My eyes have turned away from God to Man to Self...O Lord, turn my eyes back to You!!! May I picture Your salvation work and run towards it once more!!!

Love them like Jesus...

2008-11-28T22:58:00.006+08:00

...You’re holding their hand,
you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you
Just love them like Jesus,
carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus...

日有所思，夜有所梦

2008-11-15T01:40:00.002+08:00

ARG!!! I'm down with pharyngitis again!!! Started with a mild sore throat this morning and now progressed to low grade fever with severe sore throat, greenish yellow mucus and dry cough...

Anyway, I doped myself with Fedac, paracetamol and serratiopeptidase and went to sleep...

And guess what, my entire dream was about me and my friends clerking the wards over and over again...(maybe it had something to do with the fever Tmax=38.0)

Haha, just this morning I was missing the wards :) missing the interaction with patients (I've always loved to be part of the lives of others, if God willing, to positively impact other's lives), feeling that as a responsible med student, I sld be clerking. But yet I didn't go to the wards in the end (thou many of my friends did) cos 1. I was sick 2. had some unknown apprehension towards clerking...

Guess a friend's email re rejection by patients hit some part of me. Part of the reason of my growing fear of clerking was the increased apprehension towards ppl in general. Seems that I'm losing that 'thick-skiness' to interact with patients, yet I long and yearn to build this rapport with ppl...haha, another struggle...another reason wld be that I feel that every chance to clerk n p/e was so precious, and I sld treasure and make the most of it. But I'm just so ill prepared everytime (cos lazy, nvr read/practice beforehand)...but sill, that sld be no excuse to not clerking, cos that's the best way to learn!!!

Ah!!! God must be speaking to me in dreams :) I'll go clerk and faithfully follow up all my patients next week. May the Lord fill me with the strength, enthusiasm and compassion!!

Arg, sore throat...pain pain pain!!!

I am the branch, and Christ the vine

2008-11-09T19:43:00.003+08:00

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

John 15 1:8

Feeling like a brach soon to be detached from the vine...

Help me Lord!!! Keep me in your love and mercy!!!

To love and hate someone

2008-11-06T21:30:00.003+08:00

Dear friend,

Never knew it could be possible to love someone yet dread to be in the presence of him. But now I know, it's such a painful struggle...the terrible conflict of wanting to care/love/reach out yet finding it so difficult cos I want nothing gd for you...

It's been like that for goodness knows how long...Everytime I'm with you, I have the errking sensation, but at the same time, my mind reminds me to love you. I wear a smile and everything seems fine. But inside, a storm is raging, a war ongoing...You are a beloved friend, I really love you...but this opposing feeling...it's hurting...

Yet, I can't explain...

As the "bad emo" (I'll call tat for now) increases, my brain reflects everything you do in a negetive light. I've got to consciously tune my brain to be understanding, keep telling myself, tat's who you are and I've got to love you for who you are. In the process of the inner struggle, there must have been subtle signs tat give me away. I've become more aware of them...You are no 3 yr old and I'm sure you've noticed them. As much as I try to hide them, to fight them, to overcome them, I've often been on the losing end. Every time tat happens, I hit myself and ask "Why did I do that?"...yet, I lack the courage and strength to remady things...to say sorry...

I've been praying really hard...I tot it was my pride, for things started out with this unknown jealosy/envy when I'm with you. I prayed that God wld humble me, to take away my pride and help me to love you in completeness. But the "bad emo" grew...It was only recently when one enlightened me, tat as we grew closer to each other, we see a deeper side of each other, which may be unexpected...some times conflicting...

Dearest beloved friend, I'm still trapped and not knowing what's wrong. All I can ask is your forgiveness and understanding. I regret not having the courage to tell you face-to-face, for I fear the hurt that you'll have to bear. For now, pls pray for me and with me, that our Father in heaven, who built this friendship, will restore and bless it.

Father Lord, in my helplessness, I look to you, my hope and strength.